The awkward emotional state

This weekend I was sitting in a park watching some kids play, ages 1-5 about. They were playing around some water and streams and rocks and things. They were all really really uncoordinated and awkward. It was entertaining to watch them- getting on all fours while stepping up or down, having to grab something while standing on one foot.

This scene made me think about all of the people in that emotional state. People who have the emotional abilities of a toddler - awkward. Toddlers can still move around quite a bit, they just take more time and have to be careful. Sometimes, when they aren't careful, they fall down and scrape their knee and cry all afternoon.

Intimacy is something adolescents have to learn before they leave adolescence. Intimacy in this context means the ability to have meaningful and fulfilling friendships, being able to relate to other human beings, the ability to let others into your life, and to let yourself be in others lives. I have also noticed that the 'gay adolescent' doesn't conquer this in adolescence, it takes more time.

People are in so many different parts of their journey. We need to not just respect the person, where they are, but how they got there- which is to say, respect their journey - which is to say, development.

QotD

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."
– C.S. Lewis

I need a rainstorm

"...maybe it's a metaphor for purification; starting new."

Another BYU sub-chapter

We are trying their patience.

We met with Hepri and company along with Jan Scharman. I know they don't meet with every "special interest group" on campus, we are really very honored by being able to meet with them. That's why it upsets me a little bit when our meetings aren't as productive as they should be.

But- we now have work to do, and we don't have to meet to do it. It can be done through email- lets hope its better on their schedules and is still effective. And just as a side note- Jan Scharman is still one of the nicest ladies I know.

From this hour long meeting we did find out that: The honor code office is not what it was 3 or 4 years ago. Students once having gone through the process there have a more positive opinion about it all. The "horror stories" that everyone hears about probably wouldn't happen today. The honor code office's goal is to help the students make positive changes in their lives (or at least that is more important to them than policing). And most importantly: They want to understand so they can be more helpful and less harmful.

114

I'm posting the words to my favorite hymn: just because I want to, and because I'm feel'n it.

I wander through the still of night,
When solitude is everywhere-
Alone beneath the starry light,
And yet I know that God is there.
I kneel upon the grass and pray;
an answer comes without a voice.
It takes my burden all away
And makes my aching heart rejoice.

When I am filled with strong desire
And ask a boon of him, I see
No miracle of living fire,
But what I ask flows into me.
And when the tempest rages high
I feel no arm around me thrust,
But every storm goes rolling by
When I repose in him my trust.

It matters not what may befall,
What threatening hand hangs over me
He is my rampart through it all,
My refuge from mine enemy.
Come unto him all ye depressed,
Ye erring souls whose eyes are dim,
Ye weary ones who long for rest.
Come unto him! Come unto him!

the Needs

I've been meaning to post this for well over 2 months. I had to think about it first, though, and put it all together.

This concept arose when several people and I were trying to communicate some goals to make life better for "the ssa folk." (I'm talking about talking with BYU). I realized that there are different 'phases' and each phase has unique needs. There isn't a solve all group or solution that would make life better for everyone thats gay. You have to do somethings to one group, another for another group, and hopefully everyone will move forward. Then I realized that the phases aren't linear as I had first thought.

(These phases are by no means universal, or happen separately)

The Denial Phase
Again, not everyone goes through this, but I've spoken to so many who have experienced it, it seems almost universal. When you are here, "the gays" are someone else. Its a term that doesn't apply to you. Maybe you look for bad things on the internet, maybe you use use the word 'gay', maybe you find what you're looking for, but the term still doesn't apply to you.
You probably know that you're different in some way, but don't know how. You are probably confused about a lot of things.
The thing that helps the most in this phase is a very strong and close relationship to God. God can speak to people in ways that nothing else can ever simulate. If the person trusts God, then God will usher the person toward a healthy realization, and (most importantly) it will be realized in the right context.

Coming Out to Yourself
Also known as exiting the denial stage, if 'coming out' offends you, then call it something else (that applies to everything in this post- I say things are the same no matter what name you call it by).
So, you finally accept the fact that you are attracted to the same sex. To some people this makes things (mentally) easier. To some people, its drastically worse. Needless to say, you have a lot of figuring out to do. Some people take this time to reorder their entire life. Some people say it doesn't change a thing.
The thing that helps the most in this phase, is still a strong relationship with God, as it always is. The next best thing is a real person to talk to. I hear about this happening all sorts of different ways. Some people look online and find groups (disciples, lds_ssa, northstar, etc.) and want someone to reach out to them. Some people join a dating service to find someone to talk to. Some people go to any other source to find a person to talk with. Many people prefer to do this anonymously, hidden behind online identities. Regardless of how its done, there are a few things that have to happen. The person realizes that they are loved by God, and always will be, they realize they aren't diseased, they realize they are still capable of great things, they realize they still have choices and stewardship over their destiny. There may some misconceptions cleared up, like that there are many many different philosophies, and factions in the LDS gay world, or misconceptions like gay people are weirdos, or the learn what choices they will need to make in their lives.


Expanding the Circle
I know the Oaks-Wickman interview said not to do this, but I see nearly everyone going through it, I also see it being very good, or potentially very good. In this phase the young person meets more people, starts to network (as it were) and develop good friendships (platonic friendships) with a lot of gay people. They create a clique around themselves, or find a clique to join.
People find acceptance and comradery in this stage. They can be more themselves and more at ease with this group than with other people. It can be very refreshing, peaceful, and very deep friendships can be created. This is not a light point, as many gay young people find making deep friendships very difficult and very very rare. The 'best friend' seems to be an ideal that's out of reach, it is amazing to have found a 'best friend' or two.


Telling
Sometimes this happens early, sometime very late, but involves telling those close or those around us about the reality of our lives. The person lived so long as a person other people didn't know and now the person can tell people close to him (family, friends, etc) about a big part of his life. Coming out to people is very difficult, and is heavily stressed out about (usually). However the spirit of coming out is almost always a spirit of wanting to be more honest, or being closer to someone, or wanting to share a personal secret you can't bear to keep to yourself. It usually is out of love and caring. It should never be done if its not motivated by love (example: if coming out would help you win an argument, you should not come out). There are huge essays elsewhere about the coming out process, I won't labor the point. But there are often phases that the tell-ee has to go through. If you come out to someone, don't expect them to suddenly change or be ok with everything, they will need time just like you needed time.


Healthy
This isn't so much a phase, when people get here, there isn't much moving around. There is a common problem in the adolescent development of gay teenagers. Identity, autonomy, and intimacy (ability to have relationships not necessarily sexual) are three things everyone must conquer when coming of age. Identity isn't usually reached, and intimacy is horribly skewed. During all the other phases, these things are righting themselves. When you reach this place, you have a strong sense of identity, you know who you are, and you are confident, and independent. When you reach this place you are able to have healthy relationships (friendships especially) with those of the same sex, or opposite sex, old or young, anyone- this is a new ability. Your friendships aren't needy, or one-sided. You stick with your friends but you don't need to go and be everyone's friend. When you are here, you have a good relationship with God, and are usually at peace with yourself, things have reconciled themselves enough.
The best thing while here is being for others what others have been for you. If you were ever helped while coming to terms with everything, you should help someone else do the same. Not everyone feels that is what they should do, but by this point the person knows what he or she ought to be doing. You trust yourself and God enough to follow what your heart tells you to do, whether that be reaching out to help others, or speaking to BYU, or the community, or giving firesides, educating the straight population, or whatever, you know what you need to do.


Leaving
I wasn't going to include this, but decided to include it (and now you're reading it). There are some that say this is the last phase people enter- leaving the church, finally realizing that the two (Mormon and homosexual) are incompatible. I'm not going to say that this is or isn't legitimate. Some people say it is, some say its not. Both have powerful reasons for saying so. Still, its so widely experienced, that I'm including it.

The Slut Phase
I'm not sure where this fits in, but happens sometime after the person is getting more comfortable with the idea of being who he or she is. The person doesn't necessarily sleep with dozens and dozens of people, sometimes its making out with, or dating, or cuddling, or any number of things. There is increased freedom, and more relativity in morality and that results in this phase. This phase is almost always regretted later in life, it isn't healthy at all, yet so so many people go through it (it is certainly not experienced by everyone). This phase ends with a disillusionment- that promiscuity has nothing to offer and is not fulfilling the way you wanted it to be. There are lessons that are learned, but its best to avoid going through this phase at all. So says I.

While on this subject, there is another point to bring up. The young person may not be promiscuous, but might want to try on a relationship. This is done the way someone tries on clothes. Sometimes the shirt doesn't fit, and the person doesn't buy it, sometimes it doesn't fit and the person still buys it, sometimes the shirt fits nicely and the person buys it, sometime it fits and the person decides to not buy it. I will say that trying on the shirt in the first place usually isn't a good idea. Especially regarding the circumstance in which the shirt is tried on, the person is in no state to do it well, and doesn't do it how it is meant to be done. I would say 9 times out of 10 trying on a relationship during or soon after coming out is a bad idea. You need friends, not a boyfriend, having a boyfriend is not going to help you be the a better person or the person you are supposed to be, having a friend will. I say 9 times out of 10 because there are exceptions. When the exception occurs, it does need to be cautious and controlled. The standards in the "For strength of youth" pamphlet ought to be followed. If anyone is reading this and plans to start a relationship or plans on eventually leaving the Church I still strongly recommend that you follow the guidelines found in that book for dating and relationships.


Conclusion
When we talk about helping the gay youth, abstractly or specifically, the needs of all phases need to be taken into account, there is not one solutions that tends to the needs of all. Some people need friends and anonymity, some need real friends, some need time on their own. One thing that is common for every stage is a strong close relationship with God. That really can't be stressed enough, its the most important thing to the whole process. God has his hand in the persons life whether acknowledged or not, God does guide the lives of us, but we all need to have to include Him into our lives in a close and meaningful way.

Chapter 4: A few Deans

We met with Vern Hepri first. All 8 of us were there. As I said before, this is where we kind of stopped being united in everything, which reflected poorly. We didn't actually accomplish much during this meeting. One person said to me later that "pretty much the only thing that happened by the end was that we showed them that not all gays are the same, which isn't really what we wanted to tell them." We ended up talking about the feasibility, pros and cons of starting a group. Some of us were for it, some of us were against it and no conclusion was made by the end of the meeting. poop. I really hope that future meetings (provided there are future meetings) will be more productive and we can stay away from talking about starting a group. I do have to say however, that this Dean and his associates were very understanding and listened to us and what we had to say, they were still caring and sincere.

A few days later we met with the counseling center. They were 4, and we were 4, it was a very nice meeting. They had already had tons of experience dealing with this issue and related issues. They explained their job, and some legal stuff, and we mainly talked about advertising it a bit more. For those who read this and don't know, I'm going to repeat some of what they said.

They are legally bound to not give any information you give to anyone else (unless abuse is present or you are a harm to anyone's life, so if you're suicidal and don't want anyone to know, don't tell the counseling center, although you would probably get the help you needed anyway even if you felt betrayed). The Honor Code office or any administration has never even asked the counseling center for any information (about a student) ever, in the history of the counseling center. Its really a very safe environment.

Many people are also hesitant going because they could guess what the advise is going to be - similar to what a bishop might say - read your scriptures, pray more, do some service etc. They don't do that. They aren't gay affirming, and they aren't church affirming, he explained to me. They are self-affirming. Which means that if there are two forces at war within the person, that's unhealthy and should be fixed or brought to a balance. This process happens exactly how is best for the person, whatever that means. Some people have left embracing the church stronger, some have left embracing their homosexuality stronger, but they are whole. I can't say I understood perfectly what he was saying, but this is kind of what I understood. If someone would like to add to this paragraph, please do so. We talked about having more meetings in the future to get the advertising ball rolling.

Chapter 3: Return of Jan

UPDATED
All of us involved were still pretty worried about the changes that were going to be made in the honor code, but kinda glad that they were changing. We met an hour before this meeting. Two from our numbers had left the state, and two more people joined us, we though more people wanted in on the action, but our numbers stayed at 8. While talking, we had no idea what changes we wanted made or what we wanted out of it, or anything, we hoped again that she would start off the discussion.

We got to the conference room, we all sat down and she did start us off. Evidently she had been very busy during the wait. After our first meeting she immediately understood our qualms with the honor code. She recognized that this was something that could be done immediately and was more concrete and measurable, so she started to work to fix it. She told us a little story of how it happened, but didn't tell us every detail. She said she worked wit the lawyer people to make sure that is was legal and everything but she was adamant about it not being written in legalese (if you've read the new, you know that its not legalese). It went through tons and tons of drafts, she said that there were about 9 words that stayed the same from the old to the new. She also had gotten it totally approved by everyone, including the board of presidents before our meeting.

She then read us the new draft of the honor code. It was beyond any of us there expected, and we loved it. She asked us if we saw any problems, we didn't. I still find it amazing that it was approved by 8 gay men before it was put up and made official, that blows me away thinking that that happened.

We spent the rest of the time talking about how to effectively do our original goal- which was to educate the students and faculty, and to help the gay kids on campus. The honor code change was very nice, but there is a lot we still have to do. She set us up with two deans and their associates, (she really did a lot of work for us, she's simply amazing). We talked a while about everything we wanted done, and (we're a little hard headed) it took a while to understand that everything we wanted done was going to happen with the deans, not with Jan. Jan had done a lot and can't do much else except to support us and point us in the right direction and help us talk to the people that'll help us.

One dean was over BYUSA, the Honor Code Office, and student activities. The other dean was over the counseling center. We wanted the existing resources to be more advertised, including the counseling center. And we wanted to see what we could do with student activities, bounce ideas around and see what we could do.

The of 8 of us, from here on, were much less united, and it showed, and wasn't that good. Timing also was a problem, this meeting happened during the last week of classes, and almost everyone was leaving for the summer, some people not even returning for the fall. However, the timing was good in that by the fall, any changes we wanted to start would be waiting for the green light and ready to go.

About a day later, we heard that Jan had made one change to the honor code. Instead of saying "one's orientation is not an issue" (not a direct quote), it said "one's stated orientation is not an issue." This change epitomizes the whole process that happened and shows lot on insight. Instead of having to be gay or whatever, you could just say you're whatever and that's good enough for them. It makes it that much less of an issue to be gay here. I would have to wonder how they'd enforce the rules if it wasn't up to the person to have the freedom to state his orientation for himself.

One more thing to add. I've spoken with a few people that aren't happy with the changes and wanted it to go further. Really, institutionally, this is as far as the university can go without the church also changing. I've heard of some bishops being ok with gay dating in so much as the law of chastity is upheld, I've heard of other people being disciplines for the same thing. Really, without changing the doctrine, the University had done as much as it can, and it really is a lot of room to move around. The law of Chastity is still the bottom line, but someone can be as out as they see fit and still be welcomed as a student of the university, which is really exactly the environment we want other places, like in our wards and churches. One's orientation shouldn't be an issue, someone can be out or not, but it shouldn't make any difference, provided they are doing what God is telling them to do.

Chapter 2: Soulforce comes and the Wait

This meeting with Jan Scharman, which was to become famous, happened only a few days before the Equality Riders started their trip (Soulforce). A lady by the name of Haven was running most things, and then Matt Kulisch (former BYU student) and one other person were in charge of organizing the BYU stop. Matt was informed about the Jan Scharman meeting, he himself was a former BYU student, and he had many other friends currently BYU students. Matt already had different ideas about the BYU stop. He wanted it to be very different from last year's visit, he wanted it to more effectively reach the community here, and that included not having arrests or demonstrations. The BYU stop, however, wasn't finalized and planned out. Disclaimer: While writing this, I'm not sure what I'm allowed to say or not say, or even if I should have written this at all. I wondered even if I should include this chapter at all. It seemed that changes were going to take place without the help of Soulforce. It seemed Soulforce was widening the gap between "the gays" and "the church" which we didn't want. It seemed Soulforce was irrelevant, even if they never came back, it wouldn't solve our problems, they could come every year for a decade and still not change anything. I decided in the end to include this chapter, for the sake of completeness. After all, we started as a counter movement to them, even though we were working for the same goals, it wouldn't be right to not include what happened with them.

Without going into a lot of detail, which isn't needed, Soulforce's visit to BYU in 2007 was very different because of BYU students' (current and former students') involvement, also Jan Scharman's meeting had a large impact. There was only one arrest this year. A list of concerns and grievances was created, not from Soulforce, but from BYU students themselves, addressed to the administration. In attempt to deliver these concerns and grievances to the administration in person, there was an arrest. It was not a demonstration like last year. The lists were mailed that night.

One more note about Soulforce. While they were here, and even though they weren't allowed on campus, real dialog did take place. Students hosted them in their homes and apartments and people attended who I would not have expected. I only attended one, but there were many others where real dialog took place. They all helped with mutual understanding and ultimately helped the BYU students: gay or straight.

There was a rally again. This year's was much better, there were no angry lesbians wanting to dismantle the church. There wasn't the crazy radio guy who wanted to be gay just because. The people that spoke understood the church and the community very well. A few BYU students spoke, which was the most effective of all. A gospel song was sung, which many people enjoyed. The reception of the rally was mixed, some liked it, some disagreed, some were mildly offended. In my own opinion, I think the visit was good for many students, and Soulforce started to repair the damage they did last year. I'd still rather put forth our own image of what a gay BYU student looks like, but I'm glad that there are those brave enough to stand up for a brother or sister they don't know at another university being hated on because he's gay.

Then Soulforce was gone, the media died down pretty quickly, there was a few nasty letters to the editor demanding everyone involved be expelled, and accusing Soulforce of only wanting media attention. These were largely ignorant comments. All in all people's first impression from last year didn't change. The community this year seemed less aware and more apathetic than last year.

Meanwhile the 8 of us waited to hear back from Jan. We started to get worried that she wasn't going to contact us again, that she heard us once, and we were now officially blown off. For a couple weeks nothing happened. Then one day the GL gets an email that Jan wanted to talk to us about a revised Honor Code. We weren't really sure what this meant, it could be better, it could be worse, we were still kinda worried, but relieved that we would meet with Jan again.

This site has a bunch of links relating to the Soulforce visit.
Link to: Chapter I

The Story. part I

I've had many people ask me about what's been happening with the BYU, gay BYU kids and Soulforce stuff. I'm going to write down everything I remember about the events. If anyone that was present would like to make corrections or additions or deletions, please do so.

It all started when Soulforce announced they were coming back to BYU. They rubbed tons and tons of people wrong the last year, and there was a lot of confusion about why they were coming back. Some of my friends wanted to organize a counter-Soulforce movement in hopes of being able to let the actual gay BYU students have a voice instead of being misrepresented by Soulforce.

At this point a letter to President Samulson was drafted and it took a long time. It said their goal, it said that there was a quieter voice that is being ignored on campus that needs to be heard over Soulforce. The group also offered their help in anything they could. The group signed their names.

Jan Scharman one of BYU's vice presidents (over Student Life) responded to this letter. The group was invited in to talk with her. The group leader (GL from now on) told a lot of people about this, this is where I entered the picture. We met half an hour early in the Wilk to talk about what we were going to discuss, our goals, and what we weren't going to talk about. We were concerned that we were going to be blown off, not taken seriously, or misunderstood. We thought she was going to need to be convinced of something, but we didn't really want to say right out that BYU isn't doing things the right way and needs to change. We decided not to talk about the Honor Code clause and a few other things.

We went into the conference room and she asked to talk first. The first words out of her mouth was that this issue is very serious, she recognized that enough is not being done and more needs to be done. She said there is a difference between knowing what needs to be done, and how to do it. She thanked us all for coming to talk with her. I (we) could tell that she was very genuine and sincere. (I haven't asked her, but I'd like to ask why she cares so much about this, because she does care a lot, it made me wonder what caused it. That amount of interest and concern isn't usually generated on its own.) From that moment on all 8 of us there were very at ease, very relieved, she was more amazing than we could have imagined.

She talked for the next while about BYU's and Soulforce's relationship, or lack thereof. I understood by the end that no mutuality existed and trying to reconcile the two was moot. From their perspective Soulforce said they wanted dialog but in actuality only wanted media press coverage. They felt betrayed by Soulforce and thus they were not trustworthy at all, which is why they were not invited on campus this year. We then laid that issue aside, Soulforce was not the purpose of our visit. (Independently I wanted to write in a letter-to-the-editor while the Soulforce hype was up that "Even if Soulforce never comes back to BYU [which has been requested] it wouldn't solve any problems this campus has with gays and lesbians." The University has a responsibility to fix the problems it has, and is able to do it on their own with or without Soulforce, it if can be done without Soulforce then so be it. This is why she really wanted to meet with the 8 of us.)

It was evident that she wanted some change. We wanted to target the gay kids at BYU: make BYU the most perfect choice amoung colleges for an LDS kid who is gay, BYU should be a great environment for them and resources should be there for support and education. We wanted to target the rest of the BYU students who are largely ignorant about things. Its super common that an LDS person believes that you can't be gay and go to school here, or be a member of the church, or go to the temple, or have callings. This isn't the church's position (Read the Oaks/Wickman interview on the Church's website), but the church's position isn't making it down to the common member, there are still a lot of misconceptions. We wanted to target the faculty. All 8 of us have had professors who spread misunderstandings, myths, and misconceptions as if they were truth, which from a students perspective IS truth (as long as a professor is saying it).

A lot of ideas were discussed. We wanted something more long term, which would be more effective than a shotgun approach that would be forgotten quickly. Many ideas were rejected because they weren't effective enough. Me, another person there, and one other participated in a fireside in Wyoming were we helped educate stake leadership about our realities. We shared this experience with Jan and said how effective it was. Similar meetings, firesides with a student panel, were considered in the future for the BYU community. We also talked about making discussion groups. We talked about making the already present resources more visible.

We didn't plan on it, but in the course of discussion the Honor Code clause came up. We all (all 8 of us) expressed how we didn't like it. Jan mentioned that she was the one that wrote that clause. (which made us regret that we brought it up) We showed her how vague it was for us, and that is scared us to death. Coming out to a friend or roommate would have (could have) been against the honor code, even that meeting itself with Jan Scharman could have been an infraction, and we didn't know if they would be waiting there to copy our names down and turn us over to the HC police. She understood us very well (as you'll find out later in this story).

We could tell that she had already had a lot of interaction with people like us, but still throughout the meeting we talked about our realities and the things that are hard or easy for us individually and universally. She was very understanding and expressed a lot of sincere concern, she was taking notes on what we were saying.

The meeting lasted well over 2 hours, I'm sure it was a big sacrifice for her busy schedule. Before meeting with her, I wanted to leave BYU, I wished that my program was offered at the U so I could transfer up there. I'm really happy to be at BYU now. Its amazingly reassuring to know that there are such great, caring people running this university. I spoke with other members of our group after ward and many of them had the same reassured feelings.

Creaking open the window.

This is going to be a more personal post, I don't know why I'm doing it, but here is a window into my soul. A few of you already know about my film obsession. Fewer of you know about my obsession with Night Shyamalan films. I find his films intensely spiritual, and I'll be explaining why here.

First there's The Sixth Sense. I loved the movie, but it didn't sink in until I was older. In college older, when I stopped denying the fact that I was gay. I kind of view that day as the day I moved from being an adolescent to an adult, I gained a lot of autonomy and identity, a lot of changes are tied to that day. This movie is a type of my experience. I hated myself for being cursed. It took other people, many other people, for me to stop hating myself, and the process was a lot slower than it was in the film, but I ended up changing to using my sexuality instead of it using me.

Then there's Unbreakable. This is about why you're on the earth, your mission if you will. I started to realize my "super powers" in high school and a lot more while on my mission. I'm not sharing everything with you all, but I started to realize "what I was supposed to be doin." I decided I needed to go into psychology and started to take classes, but it ended up not being quite right, I took a side step and now I have a different means, same end. Watching this movie over and over has given me a lot of direction and solidarity over time.

After that, there's Signs. This movie totally caught me off guard, I was expecting a horror/suspense/thriller, and it turned out to be an inspirational movie about finding and re-finding God. This is by no means universal, but I know I've been mad at God before, really mad. I didn't disassociate myself from Him, or the Church, but I was pissed by a lot of things. From what I've read about Shymalan, he's not a practicing Christian, but did go to a Christian school. I have to wonder though, because the Christian themes in this movies are so strong, so pure, and poignant. This movie has had a big part in my staying loyal to God and the Church. I've been wanting to watch the movie and copy down the script about 'the two kinds of people' its an amazing scene, especially applicable for all of us here.

I loved The Village, but it has a lot less gay Mormon themes in it. Still its one of the greatest love stories I know. Also, it deals (again) with horrible things happening to people close to you, or to yourself, and how that grief or anger is managed. When I fall in love, it has to be this caliber of love before I'm satisfied.

Last there is The Lady in the Water. This deals with pretty much everything all over again. It heavily treats horrible things happening to the ones close to you, finding your purpose, restoring your faith, and adds in a much of new things like being childlike, working with others (community family), and caring for others.

The list of films that have changed my life isn't just 5 movies long, there are many more. Film speaks to me in a way few other things do. I may have included parts of this post in other posts, I really can't remember, here is is again.

Can I explain myself?

For myself and for others, I'd like to explain my intentions and goals. A lot of things have been happening in me life, in my friend's lives, at BYU, and elsewhere.

I had a difficult adolescence, and there wasn't a reason for that. For everyone I know coming out of adolescence now, some have had a better time, some have had a worse time, but I don't see anything getting better. This is my first concern. In my mind it is a crime how our society and community culture deals with closeted youth, who are desperately trying to live with their reality.

My second concern is about the Church and God. If a teenager comes out and starts dealing with stuff before college, there's a slim chance he'll choose BYU, most people (that do go to BYU) come to grips with themselves after missions or in college. A lot of people sign off from the Church and from God prematurely because they perceive that the two don't fit with being gay. I'll say it now, and I hope to always say that I wish they wouldn't leave church so quickly. I wish that every gay person and every straight person had a strong relationship with their God. This is part of BYU's mission statement. It hasn't always been the best place for people like me, but that is hopefully changing. I'd like the gay high school student to say "BYU is the perfect choice for me because I'm gay." Now, a lot has to change for that to take place, but if gay kids are coming here and finding God, it doesn't matter what they do later in life, its going to be right and will try to do His will, whatever that may be for him or her.

Those are my two big motives behind who I support and what I'm trying to get done. If we can get adolescence and coming out of the closet not so painful- to the point that counseling or therapy isn't an issue at all. If we can get as many gay kids getting testimonies and finding God as we can, then thats it. My work, the work thats required of me, is done.

Ways to get the two done. Educating the general populous is needed, especially the parents who will be raising the gay kids- that means the students at BYU right now. There are a lot of ways to do that, the best that I've found is to give them personal experience. When someone has a friend come out to him, then there is a night to day kind of difference to how he treats the issue, the vocabulary he uses, the jokes he makes, and his understanding replaces his ignorance. I'm not suggesting everyone come out to everybody, thats the last thing I would suggest. There are other ways though, the fireside I helped with last November accomplished this (I think) very effectively, it only took three gay kids to educate and sensitize about 30 church leaders and members. Those 30 influenced those around them because they were in leadership.

There is one other thing thats vital to gay kids, and that is someone to talk to, a close friend or confidant. I don't know of a gay guy that hasn't had someone like that while he dealt with his stuff. A lot depends on the person lending support and a listening ear. I've seen people grow closer to God because of who they confide in, and I've seen people leave church because the 'mentor' swung that way. There isn't just one fine line, there's a couple, and it gets messy. I know its important, but I don't know if there is any way to control this beast. I will say, however, that the good resources need to be there, and good people need to be in them. (I find a problem in defining the word 'good' and also with identifying with it, is it self-appointed, or is it appointed by someone else? there is a difference between sincerity and wanting to help(lots of people), and actually being able to extend good help(few people)).

More posts to come...

Hallelujah defined

HaHa, no I'm not straight, thanks for trying to be funny. (thats not funny though, seriously? who in their right mind would actually choose to be straight).

Nope its better news than that. BYU is changing their honor code as it relates to "the gays." We were worried it would be worse, we were worried about a lot of things. Jan Scharman was being very modest but she really invested a LOT of work and time into this and has been simply amazing. This is her proposed revised Honor Code statement that she wanted to "pass by us" (imagine that- OKing the honor code with a group of gay students) to make sure we were ok with it and if we saw any problems. We didn't.

Brigham Young University will respond to homosexual behavior rather than to feelings or orientation and welcomes as full members of the university community all whose behavior meets university standards. Members of the university community can remain in good Honor Code standing if they conduct their lives in a manner consistent with gospel principles and the Honor Code.

One's sexual orientation is not an Honor Code issue. However, the Honor Code requires all members of the university community to manifest a strict commitment to the law of chastity. Homosexual behavior or advocacy of homosexual behavior are inappropriate and violate the Honor Code. Homosexual behavior includes not only sexual relations between members of the same sex, but all forms of physical intimacy that give expression to homosexual feelings. Advocacy includes seeking to influence others to engage in homosexual behavior or promoting homosexual relations as being morally acceptable.

I don't know if you can remember the old honor code statement, it was written in a way that up keeping this blog and writing here would be against the Honor Code. I did it anyway, if I was breaking it, then I was breaking it and would live with the consequences.

I took some notes during our meeting, I'll share one piece with you all. We talked about people setting the stereotype. When people think of "the gays" it would be activists like Soulforce (which left most people here with a very sour taste in the mouth) or "Buddhist vegan gay people with 10 earrings" (I know Buddhists and vegans, they can be nice people. I know gay people, they can be nice people too. I know people with 10 earrings, they can be nice too.) As far as making a place in the world for us, we need to step forward and present ourselves well so that when people think of "the gays in Utah" they can picture the clean cut people full of integrity, who are their brother or sisters or best friends.

Link See the text on BYU's website.
Link See what Drex has to say about it.

Hallelujah and praise the Lord!

I have been praying for this for more than three years. I know other people that have been praying for it much much longer. And now it is coming to fruition. More to come on this (I promise) in "a few days." Wow, I am in such a good mood, just in time to hear some news I didn't want to hear. anyways, it'll take more than that to bring me down. Good things are happening everybody, be happy about it!