the Return of the Simple Baker's Son

The awkward emotional state

2007-08-06T10:58:00.000-06:00

This weekend I was sitting in a park watching some kids play, ages 1-5 about. They were playing around some water and streams and rocks and things. They were all really really uncoordinated and awkward. It was entertaining to watch them- getting on all fours while stepping up or down, having to grab something while standing on one foot.

This scene made me think about all of the people in that emotional state. People who have the emotional abilities of a toddler - awkward. Toddlers can still move around quite a bit, they just take more time and have to be careful. Sometimes, when they aren't careful, they fall down and scrape their knee and cry all afternoon.

Intimacy is something adolescents have to learn before they leave adolescence. Intimacy in this context means the ability to have meaningful and fulfilling friendships, being able to relate to other human beings, the ability to let others into your life, and to let yourself be in others lives. I have also noticed that the 'gay adolescent' doesn't conquer this in adolescence, it takes more time.

People are in so many different parts of their journey. We need to not just respect the person, where they are, but how they got there- which is to say, respect their journey - which is to say, development.

QotD

2007-07-16T18:42:00.000-06:00

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket—safe, dark, motionless, airless—it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable."
– C.S. Lewis

I need a rainstorm

2007-06-28T19:12:00.000-06:00

"...maybe it's a metaphor for purification; starting new."

Another BYU sub-chapter

2007-06-14T18:30:00.000-06:00

We are trying their patience.

We met with Hepri and company along with Jan Scharman. I know they don't meet with every "special interest group" on campus, we are really very honored by being able to meet with them. That's why it upsets me a little bit when our meetings aren't as productive as they should be.

But- we now have work to do, and we don't have to meet to do it. It can be done through email- lets hope its better on their schedules and is still effective. And just as a side note- Jan Scharman is still one of the nicest ladies I know.

From this hour long meeting we did find out that: The honor code office is not what it was 3 or 4 years ago. Students once having gone through the process there have a more positive opinion about it all. The "horror stories" that everyone hears about probably wouldn't happen today. The honor code office's goal is to help the students make positive changes in their lives (or at least that is more important to them than policing). And most importantly: They want to understand so they can be more helpful and less harmful.

114

2007-06-12T14:53:00.000-06:00

I'm posting the words to my favorite hymn: just because I want to, and because I'm feel'n it.

I wander through the still of night,
When solitude is everywhere-
Alone beneath the starry light,
And yet I know that God is there.
I kneel upon the grass and pray;
an answer comes without a voice.
It takes my burden all away
And makes my aching heart rejoice.

When I am filled with strong desire
And ask a boon of him, I see
No miracle of living fire,
But what I ask flows into me.
And when the tempest rages high
I feel no arm around me thrust,
But every storm goes rolling by
When I repose in him my trust.

It matters not what may befall,
What threatening hand hangs over me
He is my rampart through it all,
My refuge from mine enemy.
Come unto him all ye depressed,
Ye erring souls whose eyes are dim,
Ye weary ones who long for rest.
Come unto him! Come unto him!

the Needs

2007-06-04T21:14:00.001-06:00

I've been meaning to post this for well over 2 months. I had to think about it first, though, and put it all together.

This concept arose when several people and I were trying to communicate some goals to make life better for "the ssa folk." (I'm talking about talking with BYU). I realized that there are different 'phases' and each phase has unique needs. There isn't a solve all group or solution that would make life better for everyone thats gay. You have to do somethings to one group, another for another group, and hopefully everyone will move forward. Then I realized that the phases aren't linear as I had first thought.

(These phases are by no means universal, or happen separately)

The Denial Phase
Again, not everyone goes through this, but I've spoken to so many who have experienced it, it seems almost universal. When you are here, "the gays" are someone else. Its a term that doesn't apply to you. Maybe you look for bad things on the internet, maybe you use use the word 'gay', maybe you find what you're looking for, but the term still doesn't apply to you.
You probably know that you're different in some way, but don't know how. You are probably confused about a lot of things.
The thing that helps the most in this phase is a very strong and close relationship to God. God can speak to people in ways that nothing else can ever simulate. If the person trusts God, then God will usher the person toward a healthy realization, and (most importantly) it will be realized in the right context.

Coming Out to Yourself
Also known as exiting the denial stage, if 'coming out' offends you, then call it something else (that applies to everything in this post- I say things are the same no matter what name you call it by).
So, you finally accept the fact that you are attracted to the same sex. To some people this makes things (mentally) easier. To some people, its drastically worse. Needless to say, you have a lot of figuring out to do. Some people take this time to reorder their entire life. Some people say it doesn't change a thing.
The thing that helps the most in this phase, is still a strong relationship with God, as it always is. The next best thing is a real person to talk to. I hear about this happening all sorts of different ways. Some people look online and find groups (disciples, lds_ssa, northstar, etc.) and want someone to reach out to them. Some people join a dating service to find someone to talk to. Some people go to any other source to find a person to talk with. Many people prefer to do this anonymously, hidden behind online identities. Regardless of how its done, there are a few things that have to happen. The person realizes that they are loved by God, and always will be, they realize they aren't diseased, they realize they are still capable of great things, they realize they still have choices and stewardship over their destiny. There may some misconceptions cleared up, like that there are many many different philosophies, and factions in the LDS gay world, or misconceptions like gay people are weirdos, or the learn what choices they will need to make in their lives.

Expanding the Circle
I know the Oaks-Wickman interview said not to do this, but I see nearly everyone going through it, I also see it being very good, or potentially very good. In this phase the young person meets more people, starts to network (as it were) and develop good friendships (platonic friendships) with a lot of gay people. They create a clique around themselves, or find a clique to join.
People find acceptance and comradery in this stage. They can be more themselves and more at ease with this group than with other people. It can be very refreshing, peaceful, and very deep friendships can be created. This is not a light point, as many gay young people find making deep friendships very difficult and very very rare. The 'best friend' seems to be an ideal that's out of reach, it is amazing to have found a 'best friend' or two.

Telling
Sometimes this happens early, sometime very late, but involves telling those close or those around us about the reality of our lives. The person lived so long as a person other people didn't know and now the person can tell people close to him (family, friends, etc) about a big part of his life. Coming out to people is very difficult, and is heavily stressed out about (usually). However the spirit of coming out is almost always a spirit of wanting to be more honest, or being closer to someone, or wanting to share a personal secret you can't bear to keep to yourself. It usually is out of love and caring. It should never be done if its not motivated by love (example: if coming out would help you win an argument, you should not come out). There are huge essays elsewhere about the coming out process, I won't labor the point. But there are often phases that the tell-ee has to go through. If you come out to someone, don't expect them to suddenly change or be ok with everything, they will need time just like you needed time.

Healthy
This isn't so much a phase, when people get here, there isn't much moving around. There is a common problem in the adolescent development of gay teenagers. Identity, autonomy, and intimacy (ability to have relationships not necessarily sexual) are three things everyone must conquer when coming of age. Identity isn't usually reached, and intimacy is horribly skewed. During all the other phases, these things are righting themselves. When you reach this place, you have a strong sense of identity, you know who you are, and you are confident, and independent. When you reach this place you are able to have healthy relationships (friendships especially) with those of the same sex, or opposite sex, old or young, anyone- this is a new ability. Your friendships aren't needy, or one-sided. You stick with your friends but you don't need to go and be everyone's friend. When you are here, you have a good relationship with God, and are usually at peace with yourself, things have reconciled themselves enough.
The best thing while here is being for others what others have been for you. If you were ever helped while coming to terms with everything, you should help someone else do the same. Not everyone feels that is what they should do, but by this point the person knows what he or she ought to be doing. You trust yourself and God enough to follow what your heart tells you to do, whether that be reaching out to help others, or speaking to BYU, or the community, or giving firesides, educating the straight population, or whatever, you know what you need to do.

Leaving
I wasn't going to include this, but decided to include it (and now you're reading it). There are some that say this is the last phase people enter- leaving the church, finally realizing that the two (Mormon and homosexual) are incompatible. I'm not going to say that this is or isn't legitimate. Some people say it is, some say its not. Both have powerful reasons for saying so. Still, its so widely experienced, that I'm including it.

The Slut Phase
I'm not sure where this fits in, but happens sometime after the person is getting more comfortable with the idea of being who he or she is. The person doesn't necessarily sleep with dozens and dozens of people, sometimes its making out with, or dating, or cuddling, or any number of things. There is increased freedom, and more relativity in morality and that results in this phase. This phase is almost always regretted later in life, it isn't healthy at all, yet so so many people go through it (it is certainly not experienced by everyone). This phase ends with a disillusionment- that promiscuity has nothing to offer and is not fulfilling the way you wanted it to be. There are lessons that are learned, but its best to avoid going through this phase at all. So says I.

While on this subject, there is another point to bring up. The young person may not be promiscuous, but might want to try on a relationship. This is done the way someone tries on clothes. Sometimes the shirt doesn't fit, and the person doesn't buy it, sometimes it doesn't fit and the person still buys it, sometimes the shirt fits nicely and the person buys it, sometime it fits and the person decides to not buy it. I will say that trying on the shirt in the first place usually isn't a good idea. Especially regarding the circumstance in which the shirt is tried on, the person is in no state to do it well, and doesn't do it how it is meant to be done. I would say 9 times out of 10 trying on a relationship during or soon after coming out is a bad idea. You need friends, not a boyfriend, having a boyfriend is not going to help you be the a better person or the person you are supposed to be, having a friend will. I say 9 times out of 10 because there are exceptions. When the exception occurs, it does need to be cautious and controlled. The standards in the "For strength of youth" pamphlet ought to be followed. If anyone is reading this and plans to start a relationship or plans on eventually leaving the Church I still strongly recommend that you follow the guidelines found in that book for dating and relationships.

Conclusion
When we talk about helping the gay youth, abstractly or specifically, the needs of all phases need to be taken into account, there is not one solutions that tends to the needs of all. Some people need friends and anonymity, some need real friends, some need time on their own. One thing that is common for every stage is a strong close relationship with God. That really can't be stressed enough, its the most important thing to the whole process. God has his hand in the persons life whether acknowledged or not, God does guide the lives of us, but we all need to have to include Him into our lives in a close and meaningful way.

Chapter 4: A few Deans

2007-05-06T17:09:00.000-06:00

We met with Vern Hepri first. All 8 of us were there. As I said before, this is where we kind of stopped being united in everything, which reflected poorly. We didn't actually accomplish much during this meeting. One person said to me later that "pretty much the only thing that happened by the end was that we showed them that not all gays are the same, which isn't really what we wanted to tell them." We ended up talking about the feasibility, pros and cons of starting a group. Some of us were for it, some of us were against it and no conclusion was made by the end of the meeting. poop. I really hope that future meetings (provided there are future meetings) will be more productive and we can stay away from talking about starting a group. I do have to say however, that this Dean and his associates were very understanding and listened to us and what we had to say, they were still caring and sincere.

A few days later we met with the counseling center. They were 4, and we were 4, it was a very nice meeting. They had already had tons of experience dealing with this issue and related issues. They explained their job, and some legal stuff, and we mainly talked about advertising it a bit more. For those who read this and don't know, I'm going to repeat some of what they said.

They are legally bound to not give any information you give to anyone else (unless abuse is present or you are a harm to anyone's life, so if you're suicidal and don't want anyone to know, don't tell the counseling center, although you would probably get the help you needed anyway even if you felt betrayed). The Honor Code office or any administration has never even asked the counseling center for any information (about a student) ever, in the history of the counseling center. Its really a very safe environment.

Many people are also hesitant going because they could guess what the advise is going to be - similar to what a bishop might say - read your scriptures, pray more, do some service etc. They don't do that. They aren't gay affirming, and they aren't church affirming, he explained to me. They are self-affirming. Which means that if there are two forces at war within the person, that's unhealthy and should be fixed or brought to a balance. This process happens exactly how is best for the person, whatever that means. Some people have left embracing the church stronger, some have left embracing their homosexuality stronger, but they are whole. I can't say I understood perfectly what he was saying, but this is kind of what I understood. If someone would like to add to this paragraph, please do so. We talked about having more meetings in the future to get the advertising ball rolling.

Chapter 3: Return of Jan

2007-05-01T17:45:00.000-06:00

UPDATED
All of us involved were still pretty worried about the changes that were going to be made in the honor code, but kinda glad that they were changing. We met an hour before this meeting. Two from our numbers had left the state, and two more people joined us, we though more people wanted in on the action, but our numbers stayed at 8. While talking, we had no idea what changes we wanted made or what we wanted out of it, or anything, we hoped again that she would start off the discussion.

We got to the conference room, we all sat down and she did start us off. Evidently she had been very busy during the wait. After our first meeting she immediately understood our qualms with the honor code. She recognized that this was something that could be done immediately and was more concrete and measurable, so she started to work to fix it. She told us a little story of how it happened, but didn't tell us every detail. She said she worked wit the lawyer people to make sure that is was legal and everything but she was adamant about it not being written in legalese (if you've read the new, you know that its not legalese). It went through tons and tons of drafts, she said that there were about 9 words that stayed the same from the old to the new. She also had gotten it totally approved by everyone, including the board of presidents before our meeting.

She then read us the new draft of the honor code. It was beyond any of us there expected, and we loved it. She asked us if we saw any problems, we didn't. I still find it amazing that it was approved by 8 gay men before it was put up and made official, that blows me away thinking that that happened.

We spent the rest of the time talking about how to effectively do our original goal- which was to educate the students and faculty, and to help the gay kids on campus. The honor code change was very nice, but there is a lot we still have to do. She set us up with two deans and their associates, (she really did a lot of work for us, she's simply amazing). We talked a while about everything we wanted done, and (we're a little hard headed) it took a while to understand that everything we wanted done was going to happen with the deans, not with Jan. Jan had done a lot and can't do much else except to support us and point us in the right direction and help us talk to the people that'll help us.

One dean was over BYUSA, the Honor Code Office, and student activities. The other dean was over the counseling center. We wanted the existing resources to be more advertised, including the counseling center. And we wanted to see what we could do with student activities, bounce ideas around and see what we could do.

The of 8 of us, from here on, were much less united, and it showed, and wasn't that good. Timing also was a problem, this meeting happened during the last week of classes, and almost everyone was leaving for the summer, some people not even returning for the fall. However, the timing was good in that by the fall, any changes we wanted to start would be waiting for the green light and ready to go.

About a day later, we heard that Jan had made one change to the honor code. Instead of saying "one's orientation is not an issue" (not a direct quote), it said "one's stated orientation is not an issue." This change epitomizes the whole process that happened and shows lot on insight. Instead of having to be gay or whatever, you could just say you're whatever and that's good enough for them. It makes it that much less of an issue to be gay here. I would have to wonder how they'd enforce the rules if it wasn't up to the person to have the freedom to state his orientation for himself.

One more thing to add. I've spoken with a few people that aren't happy with the changes and wanted it to go further. Really, institutionally, this is as far as the university can go without the church also changing. I've heard of some bishops being ok with gay dating in so much as the law of chastity is upheld, I've heard of other people being disciplines for the same thing. Really, without changing the doctrine, the University had done as much as it can, and it really is a lot of room to move around. The law of Chastity is still the bottom line, but someone can be as out as they see fit and still be welcomed as a student of the university, which is really exactly the environment we want other places, like in our wards and churches. One's orientation shouldn't be an issue, someone can be out or not, but it shouldn't make any difference, provided they are doing what God is telling them to do.

Chapter 2: Soulforce comes and the Wait

2007-04-25T09:01:00.000-06:00

This meeting with Jan Scharman, which was to become famous, happened only a few days before the Equality Riders started their trip (Soulforce). A lady by the name of Haven was running most things, and then Matt Kulisch (former BYU student) and one other person were in charge of organizing the BYU stop. Matt was informed about the Jan Scharman meeting, he himself was a former BYU student, and he had many other friends currently BYU students. Matt already had different ideas about the BYU stop. He wanted it to be very different from last year's visit, he wanted it to more effectively reach the community here, and that included not having arrests or demonstrations. The BYU stop, however, wasn't finalized and planned out. Disclaimer: While writing this, I'm not sure what I'm allowed to say or not say, or even if I should have written this at all. I wondered even if I should include this chapter at all. It seemed that changes were going to take place without the help of Soulforce. It seemed Soulforce was widening the gap between "the gays" and "the church" which we didn't want. It seemed Soulforce was irrelevant, even if they never came back, it wouldn't solve our problems, they could come every year for a decade and still not change anything. I decided in the end to include this chapter, for the sake of completeness. After all, we started as a counter movement to them, even though we were working for the same goals, it wouldn't be right to not include what happened with them.

Without going into a lot of detail, which isn't needed, Soulforce's visit to BYU in 2007 was very different because of BYU students' (current and former students') involvement, also Jan Scharman's meeting had a large impact. There was only one arrest this year. A list of concerns and grievances was created, not from Soulforce, but from BYU students themselves, addressed to the administration. In attempt to deliver these concerns and grievances to the administration in person, there was an arrest. It was not a demonstration like last year. The lists were mailed that night.

One more note about Soulforce. While they were here, and even though they weren't allowed on campus, real dialog did take place. Students hosted them in their homes and apartments and people attended who I would not have expected. I only attended one, but there were many others where real dialog took place. They all helped with mutual understanding and ultimately helped the BYU students: gay or straight.

There was a rally again. This year's was much better, there were no angry lesbians wanting to dismantle the church. There wasn't the crazy radio guy who wanted to be gay just because. The people that spoke understood the church and the community very well. A few BYU students spoke, which was the most effective of all. A gospel song was sung, which many people enjoyed. The reception of the rally was mixed, some liked it, some disagreed, some were mildly offended. In my own opinion, I think the visit was good for many students, and Soulforce started to repair the damage they did last year. I'd still rather put forth our own image of what a gay BYU student looks like, but I'm glad that there are those brave enough to stand up for a brother or sister they don't know at another university being hated on because he's gay.

Then Soulforce was gone, the media died down pretty quickly, there was a few nasty letters to the editor demanding everyone involved be expelled, and accusing Soulforce of only wanting media attention. These were largely ignorant comments. All in all people's first impression from last year didn't change. The community this year seemed less aware and more apathetic than last year.

Meanwhile the 8 of us waited to hear back from Jan. We started to get worried that she wasn't going to contact us again, that she heard us once, and we were now officially blown off. For a couple weeks nothing happened. Then one day the GL gets an email that Jan wanted to talk to us about a revised Honor Code. We weren't really sure what this meant, it could be better, it could be worse, we were still kinda worried, but relieved that we would meet with Jan again.

This site has a bunch of links relating to the Soulforce visit.
Link to: Chapter I

The Story. part I

2007-04-24T16:20:00.000-06:00

I've had many people ask me about what's been happening with the BYU, gay BYU kids and Soulforce stuff. I'm going to write down everything I remember about the events. If anyone that was present would like to make corrections or additions or deletions, please do so.

It all started when Soulforce announced they were coming back to BYU. They rubbed tons and tons of people wrong the last year, and there was a lot of confusion about why they were coming back. Some of my friends wanted to organize a counter-Soulforce movement in hopes of being able to let the actual gay BYU students have a voice instead of being misrepresented by Soulforce.

At this point a letter to President Samulson was drafted and it took a long time. It said their goal, it said that there was a quieter voice that is being ignored on campus that needs to be heard over Soulforce. The group also offered their help in anything they could. The group signed their names.

Jan Scharman one of BYU's vice presidents (over Student Life) responded to this letter. The group was invited in to talk with her. The group leader (GL from now on) told a lot of people about this, this is where I entered the picture. We met half an hour early in the Wilk to talk about what we were going to discuss, our goals, and what we weren't going to talk about. We were concerned that we were going to be blown off, not taken seriously, or misunderstood. We thought she was going to need to be convinced of something, but we didn't really want to say right out that BYU isn't doing things the right way and needs to change. We decided not to talk about the Honor Code clause and a few other things.

We went into the conference room and she asked to talk first. The first words out of her mouth was that this issue is very serious, she recognized that enough is not being done and more needs to be done. She said there is a difference between knowing what needs to be done, and how to do it. She thanked us all for coming to talk with her. I (we) could tell that she was very genuine and sincere. (I haven't asked her, but I'd like to ask why she cares so much about this, because she does care a lot, it made me wonder what caused it. That amount of interest and concern isn't usually generated on its own.) From that moment on all 8 of us there were very at ease, very relieved, she was more amazing than we could have imagined.

She talked for the next while about BYU's and Soulforce's relationship, or lack thereof. I understood by the end that no mutuality existed and trying to reconcile the two was moot. From their perspective Soulforce said they wanted dialog but in actuality only wanted media press coverage. They felt betrayed by Soulforce and thus they were not trustworthy at all, which is why they were not invited on campus this year. We then laid that issue aside, Soulforce was not the purpose of our visit. (Independently I wanted to write in a letter-to-the-editor while the Soulforce hype was up that "Even if Soulforce never comes back to BYU [which has been requested] it wouldn't solve any problems this campus has with gays and lesbians." The University has a responsibility to fix the problems it has, and is able to do it on their own with or without Soulforce, it if can be done without Soulforce then so be it. This is why she really wanted to meet with the 8 of us.)

It was evident that she wanted some change. We wanted to target the gay kids at BYU: make BYU the most perfect choice amoung colleges for an LDS kid who is gay, BYU should be a great environment for them and resources should be there for support and education. We wanted to target the rest of the BYU students who are largely ignorant about things. Its super common that an LDS person believes that you can't be gay and go to school here, or be a member of the church, or go to the temple, or have callings. This isn't the church's position (Read the Oaks/Wickman interview on the Church's website), but the church's position isn't making it down to the common member, there are still a lot of misconceptions. We wanted to target the faculty. All 8 of us have had professors who spread misunderstandings, myths, and misconceptions as if they were truth, which from a students perspective IS truth (as long as a professor is saying it).

A lot of ideas were discussed. We wanted something more long term, which would be more effective than a shotgun approach that would be forgotten quickly. Many ideas were rejected because they weren't effective enough. Me, another person there, and one other participated in a fireside in Wyoming were we helped educate stake leadership about our realities. We shared this experience with Jan and said how effective it was. Similar meetings, firesides with a student panel, were considered in the future for the BYU community. We also talked about making discussion groups. We talked about making the already present resources more visible.

We didn't plan on it, but in the course of discussion the Honor Code clause came up. We all (all 8 of us) expressed how we didn't like it. Jan mentioned that she was the one that wrote that clause. (which made us regret that we brought it up) We showed her how vague it was for us, and that is scared us to death. Coming out to a friend or roommate would have (could have) been against the honor code, even that meeting itself with Jan Scharman could have been an infraction, and we didn't know if they would be waiting there to copy our names down and turn us over to the HC police. She understood us very well (as you'll find out later in this story).

We could tell that she had already had a lot of interaction with people like us, but still throughout the meeting we talked about our realities and the things that are hard or easy for us individually and universally. She was very understanding and expressed a lot of sincere concern, she was taking notes on what we were saying.

The meeting lasted well over 2 hours, I'm sure it was a big sacrifice for her busy schedule. Before meeting with her, I wanted to leave BYU, I wished that my program was offered at the U so I could transfer up there. I'm really happy to be at BYU now. Its amazingly reassuring to know that there are such great, caring people running this university. I spoke with other members of our group after ward and many of them had the same reassured feelings.

Creaking open the window.

2007-04-22T21:04:00.000-06:00

This is going to be a more personal post, I don't know why I'm doing it, but here is a window into my soul. A few of you already know about my film obsession. Fewer of you know about my obsession with Night Shyamalan films. I find his films intensely spiritual, and I'll be explaining why here.

First there's The Sixth Sense. I loved the movie, but it didn't sink in until I was older. In college older, when I stopped denying the fact that I was gay. I kind of view that day as the day I moved from being an adolescent to an adult, I gained a lot of autonomy and identity, a lot of changes are tied to that day. This movie is a type of my experience. I hated myself for being cursed. It took other people, many other people, for me to stop hating myself, and the process was a lot slower than it was in the film, but I ended up changing to using my sexuality instead of it using me.

Then there's Unbreakable. This is about why you're on the earth, your mission if you will. I started to realize my "super powers" in high school and a lot more while on my mission. I'm not sharing everything with you all, but I started to realize "what I was supposed to be doin." I decided I needed to go into psychology and started to take classes, but it ended up not being quite right, I took a side step and now I have a different means, same end. Watching this movie over and over has given me a lot of direction and solidarity over time.

After that, there's Signs. This movie totally caught me off guard, I was expecting a horror/suspense/thriller, and it turned out to be an inspirational movie about finding and re-finding God. This is by no means universal, but I know I've been mad at God before, really mad. I didn't disassociate myself from Him, or the Church, but I was pissed by a lot of things. From what I've read about Shymalan, he's not a practicing Christian, but did go to a Christian school. I have to wonder though, because the Christian themes in this movies are so strong, so pure, and poignant. This movie has had a big part in my staying loyal to God and the Church. I've been wanting to watch the movie and copy down the script about 'the two kinds of people' its an amazing scene, especially applicable for all of us here.

I loved The Village, but it has a lot less gay Mormon themes in it. Still its one of the greatest love stories I know. Also, it deals (again) with horrible things happening to people close to you, or to yourself, and how that grief or anger is managed. When I fall in love, it has to be this caliber of love before I'm satisfied.

Last there is The Lady in the Water. This deals with pretty much everything all over again. It heavily treats horrible things happening to the ones close to you, finding your purpose, restoring your faith, and adds in a much of new things like being childlike, working with others (community family), and caring for others.

The list of films that have changed my life isn't just 5 movies long, there are many more. Film speaks to me in a way few other things do. I may have included parts of this post in other posts, I really can't remember, here is is again.

Can I explain myself?

2007-04-17T00:32:00.000-06:00

For myself and for others, I'd like to explain my intentions and goals. A lot of things have been happening in me life, in my friend's lives, at BYU, and elsewhere.

I had a difficult adolescence, and there wasn't a reason for that. For everyone I know coming out of adolescence now, some have had a better time, some have had a worse time, but I don't see anything getting better. This is my first concern. In my mind it is a crime how our society and community culture deals with closeted youth, who are desperately trying to live with their reality.

My second concern is about the Church and God. If a teenager comes out and starts dealing with stuff before college, there's a slim chance he'll choose BYU, most people (that do go to BYU) come to grips with themselves after missions or in college. A lot of people sign off from the Church and from God prematurely because they perceive that the two don't fit with being gay. I'll say it now, and I hope to always say that I wish they wouldn't leave church so quickly. I wish that every gay person and every straight person had a strong relationship with their God. This is part of BYU's mission statement. It hasn't always been the best place for people like me, but that is hopefully changing. I'd like the gay high school student to say "BYU is the perfect choice for me because I'm gay." Now, a lot has to change for that to take place, but if gay kids are coming here and finding God, it doesn't matter what they do later in life, its going to be right and will try to do His will, whatever that may be for him or her.

Those are my two big motives behind who I support and what I'm trying to get done. If we can get adolescence and coming out of the closet not so painful- to the point that counseling or therapy isn't an issue at all. If we can get as many gay kids getting testimonies and finding God as we can, then thats it. My work, the work thats required of me, is done.

Ways to get the two done. Educating the general populous is needed, especially the parents who will be raising the gay kids- that means the students at BYU right now. There are a lot of ways to do that, the best that I've found is to give them personal experience. When someone has a friend come out to him, then there is a night to day kind of difference to how he treats the issue, the vocabulary he uses, the jokes he makes, and his understanding replaces his ignorance. I'm not suggesting everyone come out to everybody, thats the last thing I would suggest. There are other ways though, the fireside I helped with last November accomplished this (I think) very effectively, it only took three gay kids to educate and sensitize about 30 church leaders and members. Those 30 influenced those around them because they were in leadership.

There is one other thing thats vital to gay kids, and that is someone to talk to, a close friend or confidant. I don't know of a gay guy that hasn't had someone like that while he dealt with his stuff. A lot depends on the person lending support and a listening ear. I've seen people grow closer to God because of who they confide in, and I've seen people leave church because the 'mentor' swung that way. There isn't just one fine line, there's a couple, and it gets messy. I know its important, but I don't know if there is any way to control this beast. I will say, however, that the good resources need to be there, and good people need to be in them. (I find a problem in defining the word 'good' and also with identifying with it, is it self-appointed, or is it appointed by someone else? there is a difference between sincerity and wanting to help(lots of people), and actually being able to extend good help(few people)).

More posts to come...

Hallelujah defined

2007-04-11T11:40:00.000-06:00

HaHa, no I'm not straight, thanks for trying to be funny. (thats not funny though, seriously? who in their right mind would actually choose to be straight).

Nope its better news than that. BYU is changing their honor code as it relates to "the gays." We were worried it would be worse, we were worried about a lot of things. Jan Scharman was being very modest but she really invested a LOT of work and time into this and has been simply amazing. This is her proposed revised Honor Code statement that she wanted to "pass by us" (imagine that- OKing the honor code with a group of gay students) to make sure we were ok with it and if we saw any problems. We didn't.

Brigham Young University will respond to homosexual behavior rather than to feelings or orientation and welcomes as full members of the university community all whose behavior meets university standards. Members of the university community can remain in good Honor Code standing if they conduct their lives in a manner consistent with gospel principles and the Honor Code.
One's sexual orientation is not an Honor Code issue. However, the Honor Code requires all members of the university community to manifest a strict commitment to the law of chastity. Homosexual behavior or advocacy of homosexual behavior are inappropriate and violate the Honor Code. Homosexual behavior includes not only sexual relations between members of the same sex, but all forms of physical intimacy that give expression to homosexual feelings. Advocacy includes seeking to influence others to engage in homosexual behavior or promoting homosexual relations as being morally acceptable.

I don't know if you can remember the old honor code statement, it was written in a way that up keeping this blog and writing here would be against the Honor Code. I did it anyway, if I was breaking it, then I was breaking it and would live with the consequences.

I took some notes during our meeting, I'll share one piece with you all. We talked about people setting the stereotype. When people think of "the gays" it would be activists like Soulforce (which left most people here with a very sour taste in the mouth) or "Buddhist vegan gay people with 10 earrings" (I know Buddhists and vegans, they can be nice people. I know gay people, they can be nice people too. I know people with 10 earrings, they can be nice too.) As far as making a place in the world for us, we need to step forward and present ourselves well so that when people think of "the gays in Utah" they can picture the clean cut people full of integrity, who are their brother or sisters or best friends.

Link See the text on BYU's website.
Link See what Drex has to say about it.

Hallelujah and praise the Lord!

2007-04-10T23:16:00.000-06:00

I have been praying for this for more than three years. I know other people that have been praying for it much much longer. And now it is coming to fruition. More to come on this (I promise) in "a few days." Wow, I am in such a good mood, just in time to hear some news I didn't want to hear. anyways, it'll take more than that to bring me down. Good things are happening everybody, be happy about it!

Finishing an Old Post

2007-04-08T19:34:00.000-06:00

Before I deleted my blog this was one post that I had been working on some, I might as well finish it as its already half done.

There have been a few moments, transcendental moments, in my life. When it seems the "universe lines up and reveals we're on the right path," or in other words a supreme peaceful feeling of correctness.

The first was when I was a teen, I had yet had the elusive "spiritual experience" that everyone talks about. I had a specific question while I was praying one night, and I just about had it figured out. I came up with the answer for myself and ... well ... I never knew that I could feel that way. I was for sure that it was coming from something or someone external. Right along with the whole experience was this weird feeling of correctness, I just knew that everything was right and correct and true. Things were as they should be, or rather vise versa.

I didn't feel it again until I was on my mission, towards the end. I was in a zone conference and we set some goals and spoke really honestly about things. As we looked at the yearly goal and what we were committing ourselves to do, the feeling came again, just as strong as the first time. I knew this was the Lord's will. The next week in district meeting we did it again and set goals for our portion of the bigger goal, and the feeling came again which I shared with the district.

Another few years passed. I was at this time looking for a career path. I may have researched this specific major before, maybe it was the first time I had seen it, but as soon as I brought it up, I felt the same 'correctness' as before, now for the fourth time. It wasn't so much that I found what I wanted to do with my life, but I found what I was going to do with my life.

I've since felt the exact same feeling a fifth time, but I'm not going to write about it here because I can't say that I perfectly understand what it means. I remember my questions and my feelings, but I still need some more light.

Its interesting how these experiences have been had. The first had a big part in establishing my testimony (and the other 4 as well, but they came much later). The next two had a big part in proclaiming the gospel, they weren't really to answer any of my questions, they were to help other people. The fourth was in direct answer to prayer, a question I had for more that 3 years prior. These experiences are really special and valuable. They come so rarely, which makes me think that the 5th is more important that I might think.

2007-04-07T10:29:00.000-06:00

This blog has only been online for less than 24 hours, you all have really impressed me. I was also surprised by the people that said they know who I am. That was disconcerting. Maybe I shouldn't care, but it kind of freaks me out how everybody is connected or wants to be connected and there aren't secrets left afterward.

I'll make a more serious post later when my head isn't as full as it is now. Its funny how the only thing that stays the same is that everything will change. Sometimes it feels like things are changing, sometimes it feels like nothing has ever changed.

Current mood: I feel like destroying something beautiful. (for those of you who've seen the movie)

Every blog needs a second beginning

2007-04-06T12:01:00.000-06:00

I decided late last night to recover my blog after debating it for a few days. However the internet crashed and I had to do it the next morning instead.

I still feel that journals are important, and I still enjoy reading all of your online journals and rantings.

I still want to use this blog mainly to say 'where I am, and how I got here', and secondly 'where to next.'

And so starts the second season of this blog, as review of the first season, let me list a few of my favorite posts. Love and Hate particularly the last half. Pangs also the latter half. The first, fifth, and final posts of thanksgiving. Questioning my identity the last half is still better than the first. I am not an equation. An untitled post in which I look back on my life.I still also enjoy the dichotomy.

I was worried that when I reposted my blog it wouldn't keep the comments that have already been made, but it did and I'm glad, because a lot of you had really good things to say.

Note: A lot of you know who my secret identity is, I didn't want it to be widely known before, and I don't want it widely known now. Its not like I don't respect all of your online identities.

come out come out where ever you are

2007-01-01T21:34:00.000-07:00

I've said before that I'm staying with family during the holidays. I've planned to come out to them for a while and didn't know exactly how I was going to do it. It turned out ok, except that Hostess caught on quicker than I thought and I was still stuck speaking ambiguously for another 10 minutes. A few times during my stay Host would want to do something memorable to mark the occasion in our minds forever. I always just chuckled to myself, knowing exactly how I could make it so, but the timing wasn't ever right.

The first encounter included such statements as "Miracles can happen," "You should meet with your stake president regularly and talk with him," and "eternal marriage is important, you should probably try to get married."

Gladly the topic was revisited, and was much better. They were both so cute, trying to be all grown up about it. They wanted to talk about it, but obviously had problems saying the word "gay" out loud, so after letting them hang a couple of times I gave them the 'ssa' acronym which they quickly latched onto. They tried to be really spiritual about the whole thing, treating it with a lot of gravity, it was really cute. It kind of turned into a Q&A session in the end. Probably my best coming out experience I have, neither parents, nor girlfriend where very good.

For any of you who may be thinking about doing it: don't do it unless you feel you ought to, and don't worry about it too much, there are a lot of good stories out there. It might help to laugh afterward a bit though, either at yourself or at them.

I'm not looking forward to tomorrow though. I can tell they don't know how to treat me, they don't know that I'm still the same person I always was, I'm going to be the "newBaker'sSon" that they have to get to know and learn how to treat. Hmm, school starts in one week, I think I can survive till then.

2006-12-31T12:44:00.000-07:00

I think...my whole experience with finding out I was gay, being not ok with it, learning what it meant and what it didn't mean, the whole 'coming out to myself' thing can be summed up like this: I looked at the hand that life had dealt me and I said "man! this sucks!", then a little while later while looking at it again I said "man! this is actually a pretty darn good hand!"

Lesson from the 3yrold

2006-12-27T00:25:00.000-07:00

Christmas with family has got me thinking of some things, namely about smiling and being happy, and frowning and being sad, since that is what I hear most often when the grandkids are around.

The infant grandchild has no control over facial expressions, the 3yrold has excellent control . When the infant smiles you know the that the infant is happy, completely happy and the smile is just an expression, an unthinking reaction. When the 3yrold is told to smile it is more to do with moving the right facial muscles than to be happy itself. The 3yrold can also throw a fit at the drop of a hat and can cry and yell and frown, a full tantrum, and not actually be sad, and can stop the act (which is very convincingly sad and gets you all empathetic) as quickly as it starts.

All of us are accused of doing this not just the 3yrold, we are more concerned with the expression caused by happiness than being happy itself. We like having people smile but really could care less if they are actually happy or not. I've noticed that most people are not generally happy, except for a small number of people who have happy dispositions by nature. You know who you are. The rest of us are stuck in a limbo-land where half the stuff in life makes us smile and half the stuff makes us frown and we don't know which to do. However everything is magically better if you smile. . . I don't buy it.

This reminded me of the spirit. The spirit creates certain emotions in me when I feel it, as well as do things to my body. I can make a list of what the Spirit makes. However this list can be replicated by other things, like movies. It bugs me when girls (I use the gender loosely, many people fall into this error, not just the female types) watch a movie, cry, and say they felt the spirit "so strong." Experiencing the list isn't the same as feeling the spirit, just like smiling isn't the same as being happy.

This reminded me of some other things. When Jesus wept it wasn't just that He shed tears, but rather His person or His soul wept, His complete being was sad together. All the Christ pictures show Him smiling, even if the scriptures aren't replete with references to his happiness, but the Book of Mormon has lots of references to being filled with joy, and being glad of heart. Its a lot more honest, I think, when the person smiles instead of just the face.

Santa, did you get my note?

2006-12-24T20:50:00.000-07:00

Here I sit, Christmas eve. The thanksgiving posts I did back in November sure helped, I notice that I am a lot more grateful of things now. Like how during the holidays, spending the semester break with family I am really thankful that my fam hasn't played Christmas music 24/7 or MoTab music 24/7 as I kind of expected. I would have gone insane.

Sorry for the lull in postings, I've still been reading all of your posts, and enjoying them immensely. I do have some things to say that have been sitting in my head for a little while, but I want to wait until after Christmas to get them out.

To all you bloggers so addicted to the blogosphere that you check them even on Christmas day: Merry Christmas! I hope you have a wonderful day! Even if Santa didn't bring it: I hope you know what it is that you want.

Words to live by

2006-12-20T20:57:00.000-07:00

I was reading in a magazine, which I don't usually do all that often, and came across something that I thought was really cool and thought was worthy to repeat here. The phrase was in latin, which made it all the more worthy.

IN CONSILIIS NOSTRIS FATUM NOSTRUM EST.
In our choices lies our fate.

I suppose I really love the idea of accountability, something about it really rings true with me, personally. Fate is also a fun idea that I'm secretly in love with. I like sometimes that there is a fate hanging over our head, controlling our life, and I like even better that we influence fate with our choices.

Seasonal Dichotmy

2006-12-16T12:24:00.000-07:00

I enjoyed Caspian's reflections on the Christmas season. It is hard to go through the holidays and not become terribly nostalgic. One thing I immensely enjoy is the manifest dichotomy. It's like a breath of fresh air to see, hear, feel and smell two worlds clashing, enemies of the worst nature, and most people enjoying the presence of both of them. I've forgotten the feeling of hearing O Holy Night or Handel's Messiah on the radio directed followed by Santa Claus is coming to town or Rudolf the Red Nose Reindeer. One world celebrates the most significant event that pertains to humankind, the birth, live and works of the Savior. The other world debases the first while celebrating all things secular, competing with Christ for our attention in this single time that is the holy of holies of both worlds.

We, not only endure the dichotomy, we created it and help sustain it. We are reminded of our own dichotomies. One foot in the gospel, one foot in the world. We live where we want to live, we do live in the world, we try to walk the holy road. What's really intriguing is that we 'live in the world but not of the world', but everyone else in the world is also 'in not of', they too have one foot in the world and one foot on a higher ground. The people that make music and movies experience the same dichotomy as we do, as does that man in the Santa suit.

Is this the season to celebrate our dichotomies, and that our two, three, or four worlds are able to live together in joy, bliss and the spirit of giving? Or ought we to be angered against one world at its disregard of the first and then more fully embrace it and leave the other behind?

I look outside and I see death and sleeping, everything cold, waiting for warmer weather to regrow. The water refuses to be its natural liquid state and lingers. The plants withdraw, the animals don't come out. I think I'll wait.

2 of everything: Faith

2006-12-10T16:58:00.000-07:00

Does anyone else notice that theres two of everything in the church? We start talking about something in priesthood quorum and we spend the first 10 minutes bringing it up, 40 minutes defining what it is we're talking about and the last 5 or so minutes are spent talking about relevant important things.

One thing I've noticed recently is the different kinds of faith. Every prophet talks about it, but they are actually talking about different things called by the same name. This has helped me a lot in understanding different scriptures. Well I found one scripture that defines this perfectly, how convenient. Its in Alma 5:

Do ye exercise faith in the redemption of him who created you? Do you look forward with an eye of faith, and view this mortal body raised up immortality, and this corruption raised in incorruption, to stand before God to be judged according to the deeds which have been done in the mortal body?

There you have it. First there is the kind of faith thats like a muscle, I also like the analogy of a watering can. It even gives us an example. This kind of faith would apply to the redemption of our souls, thats something we have to work at and exercise at, like like we would exercise any other muscle in our body. I like the watering can because sometimes it feels like nurturing a plant and helping it to grow. We have tons of plants we are watering with our faith which in turns makes them grow. Read the seed analogy in Alma 32 it makes more sense that way. (The seed is the word (the seed is not faith) and the seed grows as we nourish it and exercise our faith; that seed later will grow up in us to be our own personal tree of life. Alma33:23)
Faith number two is an eye of faith. Its going to happen, you don't have to do much about it, but you have to believe or have faith that it will happen because you don't have a perfect knowledge. Alma gives us an example for this too- the resurrection. It'll happen without much effort on our part, we can just look at with our 'eye of faith'.

2006-12-07T18:34:00.000-07:00

When I was deacon or teacher age I had my whole life planned. During special moments I visualized the proverbial landscape Lehi spoke about, where the tree of life was. Everything was in my view, I could see the course my life would take. After I graduated I would get higher education, go on a mission when the time came, get a degree I would excel in, find a wife and get married in the temple. All the while hiking up the base of this huge mountain. The mountain was perfection. I perfected myself as I hiked towards the peak, where exaltation waited for me. As certain of anything else in my life, I knew the path I would tread and what waited for me at the end.

I don't know when it happened, but this vision slowly faded out and reality set it. The path I had planned for myself didn't exist, I found myself standing in a place I didn't recognize. I was surrounded by hills, mountains, everywhere I looked was a new and different summit. I know what perfection would look like once I got there, I could paint the picture of it, what it looked like standing on top looking around, but I hardly knew where to go to get there, I had no idea which of all the mountains held that view. All of a sudden I had to choose for myself the way I would take, nothing was set, no path was lit for me.

All this disillusionment got me thinking about other things. Maybe the mountain I'm seeking isn't in the fair places of the earth, the places I want to spend my time. Maybe my journey will take me into the low places, deep, dark, cut off from the world above. Maybe my mountain will only be worth ascending after I've had many adventures, helped many people, and have been helped by them. Maybe Gandalf had to descend to the lowest depths of the earth, before he could ascend to the highest. Maybe what I need isn't in the Shire or Lorien, maybe its on one of Mordor's mountains where I will be perfected.

Instead of being amazed by the disillusionment, instead of looking at maps, I need to embrace life and all of its adventures, get out the door and on my feet. Embrace life. Seize the day.

the Elect

2006-12-06T17:11:00.000-07:00

There is something that perpetually agitates me. It is that quote "In the last day, even the very elect will be led astray" I didn't quote it verbatim, but you all recognize it.

I always have to ask myself: Are 'they' the elect, the 'other' people who are not me and with whom I would not be included with?
Am I the part of the population that is going to be led astray?
Am I part of the population that has been led astray?

We know somebody is going to be going down the wrong path, going to get confused, going to what-ever-you-want-to-call-it. But who is it going to be? and am I going to be on the correct side or the led astray side?

Song

2006-12-01T00:28:00.000-07:00

Anyone remember that old movie "Bed knobs and Broomsticks"? I found these lyrics. They're cool. take a look. If you want to hear the music do a Google search for "Age of Not Believing" and try to find a 90 second preview thing.

When you rush around in hopeless circles,
searching everywhere for something true,
you’re at the age of not believing,
when all the make-believe is through.

When you’ve set aside your childhood heroes
and your dreams are lost upon a shelf,
you’re at the age of not believing
and, worst of all, you doubt yourself.

You’re a castaway where no one hears you
on a barren isle in a lonely sea.
Where did all the happy endings go?
Where can all the good times be?

You must face the age of not believing,
doubting everything you ever knew,
until at last you start believing
there’s something wonderful in you.

You’re at the age of not believing
and, worst of all, you doubt yourself.

You’re a castaway where no one hears you
on a barren isle in a lonely sea.
Where did all the happy endings go?
Where can all the good times be?

You must face the age of not believing,
doubting everything you ever knew,
until at last you start believing
there’s something wonderful in you.

Par-ty Time

2006-11-30T23:16:00.000-07:00

I've been on the nets reading stuff for a little under 2 years, post mission. It seems a lot longer than that. A lot has happened since then. Anyway, something that is always talked about is being happy, what it means, trying to be happy, wondering why we aren't, wondering if we should be, etc.

I have one thing to say about this. Its not the end all, its just my philosophy that I remind myself of whenever the theories are thrown about. As Jacob says, and is often quoted: "Adam fell that men might be, and men are, that they might have joy." This verse is terribly misunderstood and incorrectly used. The purpose of the fall, at least Adam's reasoning for it was that it would bring all the spirit kids to earth, make the atonement possible, and thus salvation for everyone. He didn't do it so that we can have a party down here. Even the word 'joy' is used synonymously with receiving exhalation or living with God. Adam fell that men might be, and men are that they might be saved.

That verse is used to excuse us for having fun, saying that we ought to be happy, we deserve it, and we're doing something wrong if we aren't. I don't want to be the little black rain cloud, but life sucks and its supposed to be suck, there is a season to be happy, and a season to cry. I have admiration for people that consistently have good attitudes and happy faces, but their lives suck just as much as anyone's. I like Wesley's quote from Princess Bride better than Jacob's "Life is pain, highness, anyone who says differently is selling something."

Of course I would like to be happy later in life. Lots of things will do that. Of course I wouldn't choose things that would make me unhappy, unless they were really important things like changing diapers, or cleaning the basement. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to make happiness unromantic or unimportant, its not the end all either. I'm in a career that will make me happy, thats important. If celibacy is the path for me, I can tell thats not going to generate many happiness points for me, and I'm going to need them from elsewhere. This though just came to me, I don't know if its right or not: Life choices are like career choices, you have to choose something you are passionate about. If you get married, but it isn't going to fulfill you, then its not right. If celibacy is going to be fulfilling for you- dedicating yourself to everything else, then thats a viable option.

Just don't expect a party.

Formula of my life

2006-11-29T15:15:00.000-07:00

The older I get, the more I find out about myself. Here is one thing I found out. I am happiest, most productive, most at peace, have the best attitude, and most effective human being when I:

Have most of my time and energy eaten by a singular activity (school, work, missionary work, right now its school)
Take time out and do spiritual things. Usually reading the Book of Mormon does this just fine (which I try, and usually fail at doing everyday), but includes lots of other activities that are spiritually enlightening, it has to be faith promoting and about God or Christ for it to be effective though.
Have an extra-curricular activity (or non-work related activity), you might call it a hobby, which consumes more time and energy than it should. I have a few of these right now, they change periodically, blogging will stay for as long as I can hold it out.
Have some kind of excise routine going on, whether its weights, or cardio stuff, I have to get some physical activity.

When I'm doing all 4 things I have energy and I can portion off my time perfectly, I always have time for everything, everything gets done, and I don't stress about anything. Whenever the balance falls or I stop doing one thing: I get exhausted, I can't get out of bed in the morning, I lose motivation, and I don't have enough time for anything.

I recently got back to my usual routine and its amazing, I feel a lot more normal, and able to accomplish things. Its funny how that balance is so easy to forget.

final Post of Thanksgiving

2006-11-26T20:37:00.000-07:00

I enjoyed everyone's posts on Thanksgiving, listing things they were grateful for. I have to add my last post to finish. I have a lot of things I'm grateful for. I also have a lot of things that are unappreciated. There are many things that make my life wonderful. There are many things that make my life hell.
I can focus on the negative things too easily, I could list two or three dozens things right off the top of my head. I try to focus of good things, but am not always good at it. Its harder to sit down and think of why your life is great, and what specifically makes it great. All of these posts have been good for me. I realize than no matter how bad life can get, its always wonderful. When someone asks me how I'm doing I can tell them I'm better than ever and give them reasons why.

There are a lot of things that I've left out of the other nine posts.

I got some good genes from my parent, I have good health and not many medical problems, which I'd be very ungrateful if I didn't mention.

Despite however loudly I complain about living in Utah, I do like the state, or part of it at least. The mountains surrounding me are very nice. I missed them when I went on a mission, and its nice having them around, even if they are too brown most of the year.

I have had so many opportunities over my life, I've been very lucky growing up, being able to experience and participate in so many things.

I have to steal some words from my nephew and be thankful for the trees and the rocks and the rain and the bugs. It is an amazing world we live in. Take out all the people and the world is beautiful. Whenever I'm having a bad day, or am conflicted, I can think of the wonder the world is and I get all the peace I need knowing that my God made it all.

I'll leave it at these three things, the rest of the list is for me and God. I think mostly for me though.
Thanks to all my readers too, whoever you are.

ninth Post of Thanksgiving

2006-11-21T00:40:00.000-07:00

yikes! Its been a while since I've been thankful, I have some catching up to do. Today I have a few "tender mercies" that I'd like to mention. These have created wonderful memories, strengthened my faith, and I think back on them whenever I need to, which is pretty often. These are both musical.

First- I was in the MTC, a very strange environment (for anyone who has never lived there), having my own personal little crisis that no one knew about. I was feeling pretty weird. We had tons of devotionals and such. One sister sand a song, a song that I had heard only a few times before in my life. My older sister had sung when I was smaller. Its not an especially beautiful song, its words are kinda cheesy, but I loved it because of my sister. When I heard this song again I knew that I was where I was supposed to be, and God wanted me to be who I was.

Second- happened right after something I was very nervous to do. Doing it made me more happy than I had been all year, yet I was terribly nervous, and was in some serious reflection. In church the next day we sang a hymn that is very very rarely sung in Sacrament meeting. Its by far my favorite Hymn, I love singing it whenever I can. Hearing it then brought a great peace that I was looking for. I felt recognized by God, and accepted and approved in what I am doing.

Tender mercies are amazing, I keep a journal of them so I never forget, there's a lot. I know why they happen because God always tells me, I'm really thankful for them.

I am not an Equation

2006-11-20T23:56:00.000-07:00

Another post I spoke about repentance, and what it meant to me. I have a little more to say on the subject. You can also refer to my post about Watership Down.

I'd like to try not to be too whiny (always good when a post starts out that way), but there are somethings that bug me about the church. Simple things are good, the gospel is simple and not very hard to understand or comprehend. Sometimes things are simplified more than they should.

Repentance is a perfect example of this. It is reduced to a formula. Feel bad, ask for forgiveness, rectify the wrong, and voila you have repented. I have a problem with this. Repentance is a very powerful natural process, sometimes you can't hurry it, it runs a natural course in your mind and in your soul. Just as the body heals itself. Vitamin C certainly helps the immune system but it doesn't take its place. Real repentance, the steps, what it looks like if found in the scriptures, doesn't always follow the 7 R's.

I have to be critical of 12 step programs and other things of the same spirit. Do X and Y and you automatically overcome Z. Pray and read your scriptures and you automatically bet blessings. Get baptized and endure to the end and you automatically go the Celestial Kingdom. Follow this workbook and you can overcome an addiction. There isn't room in any of that for any uniqueness or personalization. We grow up in Kindergarten hearing that everyone is different, no one is the same. Then we grow up some more and learn that we all have to do the exact same thing as everyone else to be saved, or repent, or to get any outcome. These very personal things ought to be personalized. They are going to be experienced differently by different people. Reducing these powerful forces (like repentance) to a formula makes the humans that experience it insignificant.

I can't tell you how repentance is going to be for you. I can't say how enduring to the end is going to be for you. There will be some commonality, but I can tell you its not going to be like doing a "to do list" checking off each item.

Facing East

2006-11-18T17:10:00.000-07:00

I saw the play Facing East this week, a new play written my Carol Lynn Pearson. It is a amazing play. I highly urge everyone that will read this post to see the play. Its something that every member thats been baptized need to see.

It starts a little awkward, you don't know quite whats going on, but it picks up, fill you in, and stays quite intense.

I was a little confused by some parts, wondering if Sister (Mrs, I don't know what to call her) is inserting her themes and preaching her doctrine. I realized quickly that although two views are expressed, one more liberal, the other more conservative, neither is shown to be the more correct option or path. The theme she does support and preach is that we all have responsibilities, to help others and prevent awful things from happening, whether that be suicide, or abuse, or any form of the two.

As much as we would hope that the suicides and broken lives have no connection to the Church or the mormon community, everything points that we are partly responsible, and there is more that we can do. Utah leads the nation in the suicides of males from 15-24, 30% of all suicides are gay or lesbian, much higher than the roughly 5% of the population that is gay or lesbian. Also the stat that says you are 56% more likely to attempt suicide if you are gay or lesbian in connection with living in a Mormon bubble, super charged with "homo is evil" doctrines, and also in connection with the stat that Utah uses 3 times more Prozac than the national average. . .tells me that we do have a problem, and not just a gay problem, but its a problem that includes gays and lesbians in a big way.

I'm not sure what I can do, but I'll do whatever I can. I do say that we have certain responsibilities laid on us. Some come from being human, some come from being in a community, some come from being Mormon, some come from covenants we have agreed to. You can't wish the responsibilities away, just like you can't wish the gays and lesbians to go away, however convenient it may be for you.

a Repentant Interuption

2006-11-13T16:21:00.000-07:00

This is something I didn't understand very well through my youth. I kept trying to repent of things I didn't need to. I was confused as to what I needed to repent of, and what I didn't as I grew up. I learned what was a sin, and what wasn't. This came about because I kept trying to repent of something I didn't need to, it wasn't a sin, it was just something I didn't like. I was kind of rebuked personally by God. He told me to stop it. So I'm careful not to be too concerned to repent of things that don't need to be repented of.

This being said. I have totally missed the mark when it comes to the whole repentance thing. The point isn't the presence or absence, performing or abstaining from sin. This is obviously important to do (abstain from sin), but is the derivative of true repentance, and not true repentance itself.

The scriptures illustrate this in the best way i know of. One way is the brazen serpent. Repentance isn't so much not getting bitten by the snakes, its turning yourself and your life to face the brazen serpent who was lifted up. The scriptures also talk about getting a new heart. I love this analogy because it represents repentance and how I've experienced it better than anything. This 'heart' the scriptures speak of is your will, your motivation, everything that important to you, and it dictates everything you do and why you do it. When you repent this heart gets crushed, pulverized. This is why repenting is so hard. You have to admit that your heart was wrong. Really wrong. Wrong enough to have to be fixed, have your heart taken from you. The replacement heart is so different from your old one it is called 'new' its not YourHeart-v1.5.02, its a whole new entity. Like the change from the First American Constitution to the second. Its not a patch, update, extension, or iteration; its a new download, the divine FTP.

I don't see repentance as something that deals with your words and actions, or absence of actions. It has to do with whats going on in your mind. Your reasoning. The thing that most people don't want to confront or analyze.

I'm probably still doing it wrong, but when something happens that gives me pings of guilt, I look first at whether or not it was a sin that I did or didn't do: which commandments or guidance did I break. Then I force myself to look at my reasoning, why I did it, if I liked it or not, how it made me feel, and see if there is anything I need to change the orientation of, so that it'll be aligned with where I'm supposed to be.

eighth Post of Thanksgiving

2006-11-13T16:10:00.000-07:00

I wanted to do another recent thing, less general of a blessing. That would be this blog. Its sometimes hard for me to believe that Blogger has been here for a few years, and I paid it no attention. Now that I've started the blog thing, I love it, and am really thankful for it. I've kept so much stuff inside for so long. It feels wonderful to write all of this down, and allow other people to read it if they wish. Then it can be like Blogger- there but unused, for the rest of the world. The point is that I use it.

While I'm at it, I'm also thankful for people that comment on my blog, and would be more thankful if more people commented or something. To those of you who have contacted me, I haven't forgotten yet, I'm planning to write you all back.

seventh Post of Thanksgiving

2006-11-10T08:37:00.000-07:00

I've been talking mostly about general blessings, things that happened a long time ago. So I've thought of something thats happened between this thanksgiving, and last thanksgiving. One of the big things is the major I've chosen. I'm in a really good program, which I love a lot. Its the love of my life, and I can't wait to get out of school and start working. My profession was something I prayed about a lot, and seemed to never get an answer. I eventually did, it took a really long time, and only came when I was prepared to receive it. If it came before that day, I would have passed it off. I'm really thankful for program I'm part of and the things I'm learning. We have the most amazing professors and instructors, and people that help out. I'm starting a good career.

sixth post of Thanksgiving

2006-11-07T18:58:00.000-07:00

Back to counting blessings. I'm not sure if I can keep up this 'nearly everyday' posting of blessings, even if they are kept short.
This post is about my mom. My dad got his masters in Math, my mom however did artsy stuff in college, the 'other' side of the brain. Growing up I wasn't too sure how much like my mom I was. I've kind of settled in the middle between my mom and my dad, both the geek and the artist is one. Also, I just have to say this: my mom rocks. She is the most amazing female I know. She consistently gets up before any of her kids do, to get things ready for the day, works throughout the day, never getting any breaks, and goes to bed after the kids. Occasionally she can be seen reading a book for herself, but compared to anyone else in the family, she has hardly any 'time for yourself'. I've never been able to understand how she keeps the garden, does all the errands, keeps the house clean, had educated kids, cooks meals, makes sure we are eating healthy, takes care of us when we get sick, have church callings, still hang out with her lady friends, makes dresses for prom and homecoming, makes baby dresses, makes stockings, volunteers at a half a dozen places, keeps in contact with her kids and her family, plan for the future, know the gist of whats going on in popular TV shows, and laundry. She never looks tired, never depressed, always happy, never ever stressed. I just don't know how she does it all.

I never knew this before, because she hid a lot of it, but she and I see eye to eye on a lot of issues today. I wouldn't have thought she had these opinions, but she does, so I'm glad that I'm like her in those ways. I don't think I could ever become the super human my mother is.

My mom has taught me a lot of things, besides just raising me, and putting up with me, she has had a really huge positive affect of me. This post doesn't even come close to saying all the things she does.

The painting is "The Responsible Woman" by James C. Christensen

Interuption: questioning my identity

2006-11-07T18:10:00.000-07:00

I toyed with idea of having November a month to exclusively talk about thankfulness, count my blessings etc. But then all the pent up ideas would come flowing out in December, and I don't want to do that. So this will be an interruption post in the middle of November, the barren month just at the start of a long winter (not that this winter is longer than any other winter, just that all winters are longer than they ought to be).

I've been thinking about identity, and heritage a lot lately. I've had a few interesting ideas that I just want to write down. So I have my family heritage: the Bakers. There is a long history there, all the genealogy, family stories, the whole shebang. There is family pride, family patriotism, family identity. I just learned that patriotism is defined as: love for or devotion to one's country. Well I'm talking about love and devotion to one's family. The family-cause.

Then there is the American identity I have. I was born in this country, have a passport, and Social Security Number. Because I have these things I inherit 200+ year ideologies, belief systems, ways to think. I'm given an American heritage. There is the patriotism, national identity, pride, that goes along with that.

There is the Church Heritage. (church with a capital 'C') I didn't inherit this at the beginning, but I was raised Mormon, and I have a lot of Mormon things ingrained in me. At one point I choose to embrace the whole thing, aka: get a testimony. There is pioneer heritage tacked on to that. I can talk about the pioneers and their struggles and life as "my people." Just in the same way I can talk about Americans or Bakers as "my people". as in "my people were persecuted for their beliefs and were driven from where they lived." (speaking of multiple things here)

Then there is also the gay heritage. This seems odd, but I feel it nonetheless. Even though I'm in no way genetically related, and no one else in my family is included in that heritage, I am bonded to other gay people through common experience, an experience that is sometimes very exclusive. ('The only way you can understand homosexuality is to be one' kind of thinking) Can I say: "my people have been persecuted because of who they were, and what they believed" in reference to earlier generations (and current generation) of gay men and women?

I have lots of other identities and heritages, but I just wanted to bring up this point. Being gay has changed my life, my life would have been very different were I not gay. Just as being Mormon has changed my life. We hear all the time in fast Sunday meetings: "I don't know where I would be if I hadn't found the church, but I wouldn't be who I am today." I'm not directly related to any of the original Mormon pioneers but I sort of inherit their blood by virtue of belonging to the same church. I feel kind of the same way with the gay world, however long it has been on the earth. It always amazes me how universal it is. (Feudal Japan, old empires, the classical example of Greece. . .) Especially since it has become spoken about, I feel a connection with people I have no other connection to, except that they too, are gay.

No, I don't really have a point, I'm not saying anything, just writing down my thoughts. . . you can tell that my ideas aren't ironed out when I use a lot of parenthesis.
In a way, I suppose any American is my brother, any church member is my brother, I have my actual brothers, and any gay man is also my brother.

fifth Post of Thanksgiving

2006-11-06T22:21:00.000-07:00

This one is about friends. Not past friends, but present friends too, and lets throw future friends in there as well. For some weird reason, one of the ways God blesses me is by sending the most amazing people that walk the face of the planet to run into me. I'm awed and inspired by my friends. I love my friends. I do feel very blessed, and this one blessing in particular I try to never take for granted. My friends have taught me things no sunday school teacher could have. They have helped me leave my comfort zone and be a better person. They never abandoned me in my darkest hour, and the best of times were enjoyed with them. They helped me surround myself with good things and good people. They made me feel needed and loved, when I didn't feel that way about myself. They let me grow at my own pace, but never lost patience. They have been God's hands in my life.

Some of you I have know for years and years, some of you only for a month or two. I still talk with some of you, with the rest of you it may have been a few years, and with some, its been a very long time since we last talked, and might not ever again. I will always remember all of your names, and I'll remember all of your faces.
Thank you so much.

fourth Post of Thanksgiving

2006-11-05T18:20:00.000-07:00

3 Nephi 7: 21-22

²¹And it came to pass that the thirty and first year did pass away, and there were but few who were converted unto the Lord; but as many as were converted did truly signify unto the people that they had been visited by the power and Spirit of God, which was in Jesus Christ, in whom they believed.
²²And as many as had devils cast out from them, and were healed of their sicknesses and their infirmities, did truly manifest unto the people that they had been wrought upon by the Spirit of God, and had been healed; and they did show forth signs also and did do some miracles among the people.

This is me. I have converted. The spirit and power of god visited me. And thats why I'm compelled to say that i have a testimony of these things. Surely this wasn't easy, a lot of faith and time was needed, but I have felt the great power of God, and His healing powers. Because God has done this to me, I can't be secretive about it, I'm now compelled to confess that He is. His words are words of truth. I can say all of this because I've received it all through the Spirit, and because I'm one of 'those people' who have been visited by the power of God, and have been healed.
This is what I'm thankful for today, for God, Him healing me, my conversion, and my testimony.

third Pots of Thanksgiving

2006-11-04T11:21:00.000-07:00

I'd like to write about one of my fondest memories, one I'm very thankful for. This memory is fun because it was out of character for all of us involved. One night I randomly found myself together with one of my best friends and a girl from his ward in a Piano room in Heritage Halls. The girl could play piano well, but I couldn't sing well, and my best friend was about like me. Despite our non-talent we started to sing random hymns from the hymnbook that was sitting in there accompanied by the girl. It went on for like an hour, something crazy long. The combination of being together with people I loved, being out of my comfort zone, sharing compliments, there was a serenity. There wasn't anywhere that I would rather be. I have not since had any experience that would be similar to this one, so it continues to be one of the greatest memories I had. If I were Harry Potter, it might be this memory that would help me summon the Patronus.

I'm thankful for memories like this. They will always go with me no matter where I go, and I can recall them and relive them as many times as I want. Whenever I don't like life, these memories are sitting with me to make it better.

I'm also glad that I'm doing this theme this November, I have to concentrate on just the good, and its a good exercise for me. Any comments on any of my posts would be appreciated, I don't care who you are, or what you have to say, I just want you to write- say hi, critique what I have to say, say whatever you want. I want to hear from you all, if you don't want to send a comment, send an email, its posted too.

second post of Thanksgiving

2006-11-02T17:46:00.000-07:00

I've had one post in the past where I talked about God's love. I have personal knowledge that He loves me, more than I though was possible. That experience I talked about, it was like I was being embraced, someone standing in front of me, or behind me, and had their arms wrapped around me. It was strangely tangible, and very real. I never ever question that God loves me, but I am a questioning person.

Why? Why in the world would God ever love me? Why does He care? Not just that He cares, but He cares so MUCH. It doesn't always make sense to me, not even the scriptures give me an acceptable answer. God has shown to me through out my life in so many small ways I can't even count them all (although I wish I could write them all down and remember them). So many 'tender mercies.' So many coincidences that just couldn't have been chance. People doing things they wouldn't normally do which carried a special significance. The point is: God has been very active in my life. But why? why me? why invest all the interest, and love in me? Who am I? Just like Enoch asked. "Why is it that I have found favor in your sight?" I'm just a lad, I'm no one very significant.

God's love for me may always puzzle me, but I know He loves me, and I know He loves all of us. And for this I am very thankful.

first post of Thanksgiving.

2006-11-01T18:12:00.000-07:00

I've had this one experience which I'm never going to forget. My sister (the angel of the family, everyone loved her, she was very gentle) had an English class she was in and she had to write an essay about how she would respond if a good friend confided in her that the friend had AIDS. Pretty hard question, hard essay. She asked me, we were in the same room alone, and it was quiet. I still have no idea why she would have asked me. I told her I didn't know how I would respond. That didn't satisfy her, she wanted a real answer. After some consideration, and more time passed I said, "I'd tell him that he deserved it." This next part is what makes me never able to forget this. She slapped me, quickly, she didn't have to think about it or anything, as soon as I finished the sentence she slapped me (very out of character for her). I don't remember what she told me next, but I have no doubt that she talked with me and explained how that was very wrong of me to say.
This is one of my most embarrassing personal experiences, more so to me, no one else was there. I don't know if my sister even remembers. I'm pretty ashamed that I ever thought that.
All through this month of November I'm posting about how I am thankful for things, Every post will revolve around that. For this post, I'm thankful for all the wonderful people in my life who have slapped me when I needed it. Believe me: I needed it. And to anyone that has slapped me: thank you very much, you've made me a better person.

a burrow, and a flock

2006-10-28T13:54:00.000-06:00

I’ve had this feeling, a theory, about how we work as people. In order to introduce it, I have to quote some text from a great book Watership Down.

Rabbits, of course, have no idea of precise time or of punctuality. In this respect they are much the same as primitive people, who often take several days over assembling for some purpose and then several more to get started. Before such people can act together, a kind of telepathic feeling has to flow through them and ripen to the point when they all know that they are ready to begin. Anyone who has seen the martins and swallows in September, assembling on the telephone wires, twittering, making short flights singly and in groups over the open, stubbly fields, returning to form longer and even longer lines above the yellowing verges of the lanes- the hundreds of individual birds merging and blending, in a mounting excitement, into swarms, and these swarms coming loosely and untidily together to create a great, unorganized flock, thick at the center and ragged at the edges, which breaks and re-forms continually like clouds or waves- until that moment when the great part (but not all)of them know that the time has come: they are off, and have begun once more that great southward flight which many will not survive; anyone seeing this has seen at work the current that flows (among creatures who think of themselves primarily as part of a group and only secondarily, if at all, as individuals) to fuse them together and impel them into action without conscious thought or will: has seen at work the angel which drove the First Crusade into Antioch and drives the lemmings into the sea.

I think of myself as one of these collectives, comprised of many parts that do not think of themselves as individual, even cannot think for themselves, but I am still made up of them. When I make changes in my life I can see this same process happen, a ripening, a telepathic consensus which consumes me first before I’m able to take action.

An idea is planted, it is kneaded as dough is kneaded, over and over, turning it all around, and I stretch and compress it, change its shape and fold the dough so much to pass as thorough investigation.

Eventually the dough starts to rise, the fruit to ripen, the birds gather, just the same as my growing discontent with xyz. It still is too early to act or to do anything yet.

Finally the bread is done, the fruit is ready, no force of earth can speed that up, it takes a natural course. It happens the same way every time, dawn always follows night, summer fruit always follows spring blossoms, it will happen, and it will happen at its natural speed, and not any faster. This has taught me a lot of patience, to wait for the natural course of change. Change coming slowly, if at all. Then at once: the time has come, the telepathic feeling has both saturated the group and is ripe enough.

That’s the magical time when change occurs, its great to witness it. I’ve seen it between companionships on my mission, in individuals while making choices on whether they were going to continue/discontinue doing something specific. I’ve seen it in whole classrooms, wards, my mission as a whole, and throughout history (the occurrences found in history are incredibly slow- happening over 100 years sometimes) but the consensus of change does ripen and take affect. "the current that flows to fuse them together and impel them into action"- great language, great book.

Click here.

2006-10-26T00:35:00.000-06:00

OK, I know that I just posted, but I ran across this really awesome post by someone I follow (but never comment to- I feel so guilty, doing it to others, yet sulking because no one comments my posts). I think many of you will find something interesting in the post, the writer isn't gay, but has interesting views of the whole thing (why I started following in the first place).

here is a snippet:
"So maybe it's not so much about Satan waging war on us, as it is about us trying to reconcile our own conflicting desires and tendencies. The war is between our better and baser selves, perhaps."

Here is the link:
WithintheBubble

And here is my thoughts:
We DO give Satan too much credit for bad things, and similarly we give God too much credit for good things. Because of the 'flesh' having inherently evil tendencies we are conflicted with God and the Church no matter who we are. It seems plain and trite for me to write this here, because its all over in the scriptures, but everywhere you go you will find people conflicted between what they would like to do, what God wants them to do, and what they know is right.

pangs

2006-10-25T22:31:00.000-06:00

My apologies for not posting for so long. I won't be abandoning the blog for some time yet. I have a few posts that I'm working on, but they aren't finished in my head yet, so I figured I'd post a short something, a half baked thought if you will.

I've written before about how being gay is much more that simply being attracted to the same sex, it involves and excludes many other things that make it much more complex. The attraction side- to me at least- is the least profound, and least disturbing, least uncomfortable part, and least daunting part of being gay. There are attractions everywhere, everyone has them gay or not, so what, who cares?

I haven't much feedback to know about how this has been received. I have to say that I'm pretty comfortable right now. I used to be depressed bad and really conflicted- not so much any more. Where ever I am, I like being there. But every once and a while I get little pangs of pain. This post is one such pang.

I speak for myself when I say: being gay for me, is a lot like being straight for the "straight-dude". This includes a little bit of reproach for the opposing orientation. Straight people are prejudice against me, and I admit that I'm a little prejudice against them, not because we are so totally different, but because 'what they do in bed' just grosses me out. From their side- gay sex is gross. From my side- straight sex is just as gross.

As I grew up, my older sisters would faithfully cover my eyes when a pair of breasts flashed the screen and we didn't realize were in the movie we were watching. And while watching unfamiliar movies without my sisters present, I saw my first pair- they were quite disgusting. Don't get me wrong, the female can be beautiful, I've seen naked female art in the Louve, and the sculptures were very lovely. But female sexuality . . . is just plain gross.

Add this to my list of discrepancies between 'gay' and 'ssa'. I'm half in awe, and half in pity of the gay Mormons who marry, even though I know quite well the religious and cultural pressures that influence the decision. There is kind of an unwritten, unuttered memorandum that gay Mormons need to 'get over it' and eventually find a wife, settle down, and join the rest of straight America, and down the line be taken to heaven in the rapture to live with God. Hmm. . . asking me to do that is kind of like asking a straight man to fall in love with, have (a lot of) sex with, and have a successful marriage with another man.

I thought I could do it, I almost did, I was once practically engaged, we talked about having kids, and where we wanted to live, but neither of us made it official by talking about the marriage part or asking the question. That’s a story for another day. I don't regret the relationship, but I am glad I didn't marry her, especially then.

that’s probably enough for my filler post.

True to your heart

2006-10-21T18:51:00.000-06:00

Mulan: ending song lyrics: True to your heart You must be True to your heart ... Open your eyes Your heart can tell you no lies

Hamlet: This above all: to thine ownself be true, And it must follow, as the night the day, Thou canst not then be false to any man.

love and hate

2006-10-18T17:53:00.000-06:00

Why I think of such things I will never know. I've been thinking about the mantra "love the sinner, hate the sin" recently. It always has bugged me for as long as I can remember. It's brought up at different times so that Mormons and other christians can show acceptance of the person. I have one conflict to bring up. If we were talking about the sodomite- labeled because of actions and not by character or identity- then I could understand this easier. Adulterous sex is never condoned, but the person still has divine individual worth.

Usually we're talking about the homosexual, and not the sodomite. Here "loving the sinner, hating the sin" doesn't make sense to me, there isn't any sin as I understand it, and there isn't a sinner. You can't seperate a straight man from his attractions and experience of love, just like you can't seperate a gay man from his attractions and experience of love.
This mantra is trying to seperate the man from his feelings- the man is worth much, but his experience of love is evil and vile, needs to be hidden and is shameful.
The mantra preclaims that the man can be accepted by the fold and by God as long as he puts away all attractions and feelings of love. Now, don't misunderstand me. I know that attractions/temptations are not sinful and there is no need for repentance there- and many of you know that. But that's not what is being preached when telling us to embrace the sinner while he forsakes his 'sin.'

I have to insert a movie connection here, if for nothing else- for me. This whole love the sinner, hate the sin is aweful like The Incredibles. "...Its time for their [straigt] identity to become their only identity..." The world in that movie loves, or rather accepts, or rather tolerates the superheros as humans and as citizens, but only as long as they don't help anyone. Helping someone- an action, but only important because it is in the superhero's nature to desire to help people. This is the nugget of the whole post- this desire is the thing that is demonized and is called evil, not just the action. We're taught that homosexuality by definition is evil, not just the gay sex (according the the unexplained mantra).

Here is where we run into trouble- you can't seperate the gay man from the man. Thus however strongly the Mormon tries to show acceptance by spouting this off, they only show rejection, unintentional of course, it comes from ignorance of the homosexual condition. Most people that read this blog are gay themselves, if you- kind reader- are not I applaud you. The gay readers would understand what the average mormon does not, and knows that to "love the sinner and hate the sin" can apply to the sodomite, but never to the homosexual.

Noniiiii

2006-10-09T21:59:00.000-06:00

Have all of you heard of the miraculous Noni juice? I first ran into it while on a mission. It is said to cure cancer, diabetes, the common cold, bacterial infection, whatever ails you, your inflating pocketbook… I have to say that I was pretty impressed, but suddenly started wondering something while watching X-Men III- can Noni Juice cure gayness too? Perhaps we should ask the owners- if it does it could be great marketing for the company. I could also make for an interesting conversation with whoever you asked at Noni HQ.

Part III - got any change?

2006-10-07T13:03:00.000-06:00

I have my own history with trying to ‘change’ which I use to answer the query of my personal beliefs. These are some of my more developed perspectives and beliefs.

As the great Monkees song goes: “I’m a believer.” I believe in change. I’m a big advocate for change, I think everybody ought to do it, it is of utmost priority. You have to be able to wake up in the morning and not wish you hadn’t. You have to be able to look at yourself in the mirror. You have to be able to go through the day and be satisfied with yourself and you life. Its too easy to be dejected, have self defeating behavior, and to cry bitterly every time you are alone, and this isn’t right. This change is very big, and very important. Some would say this is an inner change, a change in the heart. The church prescribes to another kind of change, also a change of the heart, which I also believe in. Perhaps these two are related, closely, loosely, who knows. This change is also very big, and very important. I would describe it as turning yourself, metaphorically, from whatever you were looking at, or facing, and turning to face Christ. I know there are many different ways to describe this change, but it is about renewal, starting again, directing your attention and desires from an egocentric place, to Christ.

Yes, change is possible, even the scriptures say that change is possible, they also say that all mankind must undergo this change or be lost. When I am asked if change is possible, I have to remind myself that there are two other kinds of change that are much more important. We should remember what is needed and what is not. If you had a choice would you rather change from being gay to being straight, but never experiencing the other changes? Does that put you at a better spot? We ought to recognize what we truly want. What kind of change are you seeking?

Part II - change my perspective

2006-10-04T15:57:00.000-06:00

The next thing of great significance to me does apply to being gay, and its also about a misinterpreted scripture. The scripture is Ether 12:27. Its so common I won’t quote it here. link. Weak things to become strong- what a great concept. I tried to apply this verse. And make that perceived weak spot become strong, just like Moroni fortified cities and made them strongholds. I got a little frustrated with my efforts.

All during this time I found a film I like a lot, watched it many many times, and then- suddenly this verse clicked for me- it made sense, and it wasn’t how I initially understood it. The movie was kind of what did it for me, it is a great analogy so I’ll use it instead. The movie is The Sixth Sense. In the beginning he thought of himself as cursed, afraid, alone, a freak, weird. He was so sure that he was a freak that he didn’t talk openly with his mom, because he didn’t want her to know what he was. His life was really miserable, then the doctor came and helped change his perspective. Suddenly he wasn’t afraid anymore, this thing that used to be a curse, he now used to help others, it was actually a talent, a gift.

So Ether 12:27 doesn’t mean that your weak spots in your personalities will become strengths in your personality (bad singing -> good singing), it means that your weak spots already are strengths (bad singing is a talent- use it). I had to change my perspective.

Note on the movie: notice the blog description? its a quote

Part I- Compare and Contrast

2006-10-03T18:47:00.000-06:00

I need to write down and publish some things that are vastly important to me and how I deal with my like-poles-attract orientation. The next few posts will follow this. I swear I find myself wanting to post on this blog frequently, but sometime I’ll slow down and try to keep this baby updated every weekend or something diligent like that.

Alma 36:3 is a wonderful scripture, I probably memorized it for Seminary, read it many times for strength through my life, but was missing one of the biggest lessons I could learn from it until a wise teacher pointed it out to me. It reads:

”And now, O my son Helaman, behold, thou art in thy youth, and therefore, I beseech of thee that thou wilt hear my words and learn of me; for I do know that whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted up at the last day.”

What good parental advice! If only we all could have had Alma as a dad. Well this was good for Helaman, but he spoke to his other sons too and gave Shiblon some very similar advice- you compare and contrast. Alma 38:5

”And now my son, Shiblon, I would that ye should remember, that as much as ye shall put your trust in God even so much ye shall be delivered out of your trials, and your troubles, and your afflictions, and ye shall be lifted up at the last day.”

They’re pretty much the same thing: addressing, remember thing, trust in God thing, trial thing, and lifted up at the last day thing. However there is a world of difference in a small word – it works better if you find it yourself, but since this is the internet- you are lazy and will keep on reading instead of doing the incredibly complex hard work of re-reading both verses. The principle word is ‘in.’ This time you really need to re-read Alma 36:3. Highlight the word ‘in’ and pretend its italicized. No…really I’m serious re-read it this time.
Here’s the lesson. Sometimes when you get a problem- on top of everything else in your life- and you pray about it, you can ask that it be taken away. Sometimes like 38:5 says: God will deliver us, He’ll take away the problem just like that, powerful and impressive, like on tv. Then there is other times: IN the trial, not from the trial. These times God will say, “No. This time, with this specifically , you get to keep it. I know some things that you don’t and you need this to grow. But…” this ‘but’ is very important, “…but I will promise you that you won’t ever have to carry it on your own, whatever it be.”

I’m not implying this be applied to being gay, I’m not even saying that gayness is a trial, trouble, or affliction. Rather this lesson is general and a very powerful truth. One that’s been very important to me.

Here's to...

2006-09-30T10:14:00.000-06:00

I am really looking forward to General Conference this fall. Which is actually starting just as I am finishing this post. I learned one interesting thing since last conference- there is a committee called the correlation committee that synchronizes all the talks so that the vocabulary and ideas match up. It is no doubt this correlation committee that rewrote the apostles talks to make them say "gender-confusion" instead of whatever other term they would have used instead. I for one would be curious to know what the original word was before the edit.
I dont know about all of you... But the hardest question on the ACT wasn't which gender I was. Here's to hoping that the committee has come up with a better term! I guess we'll see together.

my Attractions

2006-09-28T15:17:00.000-06:00

From everything that Ive read, and from talking with lots of people, I've found out that SSA is different than being gay. As I learned this, they asked me which I was. I didn't know, all I knew was that I liked boys. I learned from the "gays" that it's required for the strugglers to hate themselves, and I learned from the 'strugglers' that the gays are about as evil as Satan himself. I have some major problems believing either one.
If I want to be a good Mormon then I have to label myself as a "struggler." And what I 'struggle' with is same sex attraction. This really offends me, and I'll explain why. To me- calling it attraction, doesn't even come close to describing being gay. Attraction is basicly the same thing as Temptation. I don't make a habit out of stealling or cheating, and yet they are still temptations. Its not really hard to withstand, and that's how it is with same sex attraction, the temptations really aren't hard to withstand. Also, I can't say I've ever been angry or bitter about my attractions, after all quite a lot of things are attractive (stealing, etc). But Love doesn't work this way. I've found out that I can be in love with men, and at that point its stops being an attraction, and becomes something entirely different.
Finding out about love felt kind of like being hit by a train. Love is kind of a big thing- I mean: think of all the songs about love, or movies about love- there are tons of them. If being straight was nothing more than finding the opposite sex 'attrative', there wouldn't be any love songs. And its not like we see a lot of songs about cheating to get good grades, or stealing, or imbezelling, or whatever. Love is very much a thing different than attraction. I wish the english language had more than one word for love, but this is the kind I'm referring to: the kind between Westley and Princess Buttercup, the kind Marcus describes in About a Boy "...I want to be with her more, I want to be with her all the time, and I want to tell her things- things I dont even tell you or mum, and I dont want her to have another boyfriend..." the kind of love between President and Sister Hinckley. The same people that ennoble love, both condemn the love that I experience (even though it is no different than theirs) and want me to label myself as anything but gay: afflicted, cursed, struggling, confused, etc.
Which brings me back to being offended. I am sure they dont do it intentionally- but those who preach ssa turn the experience into something else that I don't think is healthy, by oversimplification I mean.
And so- to answer your question: I would decribe myself as gay, and not ssa, not that that solves a whole lot. Does anyone else feel sometimes like Mulan during "reflection"?

another Paradigm Shift- God's love

2006-09-25T21:15:00.000-06:00

While I'm here, I'll post another memory attached to something that turned my life upside down. You remember when you were a kid and your teachers and parents would always tell you how much God loves you? It was really sweet, and I remember being comforted by it. Then as relations with parents worked and I got older, it appeared that my parents loved me more when I did good things, and loved me less when I dropped and broke a bowl. I mean they got angry- angry isn't an expression of love. The scriptures also speak about God being angry at the wicked, maybe the same as it was with my mom and dad? who knew. .
While I was growing up, I didn't consider myself very righteous (see last post), I didn't like looking at my reflection, I didn't like praying in public, etc, etc. I'm the type of person who when you tell a joke, will be the one that doesn't get it for a while- and this explains why this paradigm shift came so late in my life, but well..better late than never. For a lot of my life I constantly tried to earn God's love, saying "God will love me when I..." or "God will love me if I..." One night, while in my room, conversing with God, (no doubt trying to repent) was when my life turned upside down, as it has so many times. This still is one of the most profound and clear memories I have. I felt something that could be described in no other way than God's pure love. It was very powerful, and it felt really good. I knew then that God loved me, as I was, it was not conditioned on anything I did. Now, it's a different thing to be trusted by God and be used to do His work, (whatever 'His work' can mean) but as for love- He never doesn't. At that same time, in my bedroom, I felt the spirit very strongly, although it definitely could not be described as a voice- I just sort of knew things. I knew that God was very personally aware of me, and cares a great deal, and that he cares for all His kids. That's all I came to know, and the feeling of love stayed there for a long time. I tried not to go to sleep so I could feel it forever, and whenever I think back, I can feel it again, or at least remember how it felt, and how it felt so very real.
I know its a simple paradigm shift, its pretty obvious. But this is part of how I became who I am today.

paradigm Shift Memory

2006-09-25T20:38:00.000-06:00

At a thought provocing meeting some months ago the speaker talked about paradigms and how they rule our life and how we conseive things, and he talked about how they shift, and turn our world upside down. Well, I went home and thought of a few paradigm shifts of my own. Here is one of 'em:
You first have to understand that the reason I have a testimony at all is because I'm gay. If I wasn't gay, then who is to say I would have poured all those hours into the scriptures if I wasn't looking for a way to cure myself, or remove this unmistakably evil thing from myself. That's the reason I prayed, fasted, you name it. Me being gay is the reason I know so much about this church, and have faith in the Lord. The parts in the scriptures about repentance especially interested me, and the parts about the atonement especially interested me. And so, I did what any ignorant adolescent would do- I tried repenting of being gay, of course I wouldn't yet consciously know that I was gay for another 6 years, it still seemed like something that ought to be repented of, so I did- and as is imaginable- I did it for a really long time.
About this time Gene R. Cook came to our stake to speak; known for one famous speech (he talks with MicJagger) about morality and the atonement. He makes some statements about how there is nothing the atonment wont make right/heal/cure/wash away if it is repented of. I wish I remembered what exact words he used, but he was saying how if you repent of something, then everything is made better.
Naturally I loved his talk, and with renewed vigor tried to repent myself clean. After a few years I was wondering if I had been forgiven, although nothing really felt any different. Eventually I concluded that the nameless thing I wanted taken away was still there, even after all that repenting and asking for the atonment to take affect of my life. A curious thing happened then. Gene R. Cook came again and spoke to the youth of our stake, and he gave almost the same talk. Toward the end he started talking about how the atonment conquers all (reminiscent of "love conquers all!") and I realized this: "No, he's wrong." Thats it. Thats the first actuall time I remember noticing that a church authority had it wrong. After all that repenting and prayer, the atonment didn't take away the 'nameless thing' (which I then thought was my sin). I realized this Elder told me something that wasn't true 4 years ago,
I really applied it to my life, and it seemed to be in vain. and that meant my bishop, my sunday school teacher, my seminary teachers, weren't all omniscient.
I realize this is a very dramatic example, and I might add entirely misunderstood at the time, I realize now that the atonment actually does conquer all. But this is the time I remember the paradigm shift:
Church authorities (anyone in a calling, doing anything) are correct about as often as God is --> They aren't always right, the prophets you can trust, but even then you have to pray about for yourself.
A mission companion also talked to me about this- his quote was "I hope this doesn't shake your testimony, but not everything you hear in General Conference is doctrine"

Every blog needs a begining

2006-09-23T14:43:00.000-06:00

In my mind- Journals are important. Important first to yourself because you must reflect and be introspective. Important to others for numerous reasons, I enjoy these resources written by others, and admire that it can be publicly posted even if it is a private. And so without any more ado- the online journal and thoughts of a boy, who is both gay and mormon. who is a lot of other things too, but which aren't as scandalous. I shall endeavor to stay away from the beaten-to-death "gay and mormon don't belong in the same sentence" and "its really hard," they are both true, and if you want to read up on it- there are several places to look. My focus will remain on first: where I am and how I got there, and second: where to next? As I sit here writing this, I don't know the answers to either question, well. . . in entirety at least- hence the blog.